幽默的英文

推荐第1篇：英文幽默

英文幽默：爆笑学英语

1：某次英文考试有两道题目：

（1）我穿上外套，却发现第一个扣子掉了。 （2）他听见电话铃响，就过去接了电话。 正确答案应为：

（1）I put on my coat and found its first button was gone.（2）As soon as he heard the phone ringing, he went to pick it up.但是某生的答案是：

（1）Shit! （2）Hello? 2：老师在黑板上写了一句：Time is money.并让同学们翻译。有名学生答道：“汤姆是玛丽。”

小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead.小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead.小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？怎么不去？小明说：你没听老师说「去你个头」啊! 3：某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：I am hongtao liu，外宾曰：我他妈还是方片七呢！

江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道：“Mi Jiang, you are very beautiful.“翻译照翻，江青心花怒放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文：

“Where? Where?

外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底：“Everywhere,everywhere.“翻译：“你到处都很漂亮。”江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下：“不见得，不见得”。

翻译赶紧翻成英文：“You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see.“

4：话说某年某月的某一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果。

A神箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大拇指道：「I AM 后羿！」 B神箭手照本宣科，射中苹果，这回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM 丘比特！」

轮到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！结果正中仆人的心脏。就听他结结巴巴好久才吐出句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」

5：一对热恋中的男女。女生非常没有安全感，于是对着男友说：“SAY „I LOVE YOU!!‟SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT!” 男的答道：“IT!”

6：一位在美的留学生，想要考国际驾照。在考试时因为过于紧张，看到地上标线是向左转。他不放心的问道:turn left？监考官回答: right.于是他立刻向右转……

7：某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞，忙说：I am sorry.

老外应道：I am sorry too.某人听后又道：I am sorry three.老外不解，问：What are you sorry for? 某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.8：某男，亦粗通英文，至使馆，有表要填，有一栏是：Sex，该男思之久已，毅然下笔：“Once a week”。

签证官观后暴笑，曰：“This item should be filled in with male or female.” 该男顿时赧颜，思之，填下“female”，官楞之，曰：“shouldn’t it be male?”男急释曰：“I am a normal man, so I have sex with female.

9：上初一的时候，英语老师让我们读课文，恰好是一段对话，于是叫了一男一女两个同学来读。

男：What time is it now? 女：It’s nine. 男：Let’s go to bed.

女：We go to bed at nine.全班绝倒。

10：一次为一个初中小孩搞家教，在其英语课本上发现如下恐怖字眼：爸死（bus）爷死( yes )哥死（girls）妹死（Mis）……死光（school）

推荐第2篇：幽默英文演讲稿

篇1：幽默英语演讲稿 幽默英语演讲稿 love your mother 爱你的母亲

why are you crying, a young boy asked his mom? 你为什么哭?一个小男孩问他的妈妈.because im a woman, she told him.因为我是女人,她告诉他.i dont understand, he said.我不明白.他回答

his mom just hugged him and said, and you never will, but thats o.k........妈妈拥抱了他说,你永远也不会明白,但没关系...later the little boy asked his father, why does mom seem to cry for no reason?.后来小男孩问他的父亲妈妈为什么似乎在无缘无故的哭泣? all women cry for no reason, was all his dad could say......所有的女人都会常常没有原因地哭泣,这是他的父亲唯一可以解释的...the little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.等到小男孩长大,成了男人的时候, 他仍然奇怪妈妈为什么哭.finally he put in a call to god and when god got back to him, he asked god, why do women cry so easily? 最后他把这件事祷告给上帝,他问上帝,为什么女人容易哭泣?god answered......上帝回答: when i made woman, i decided she had to be special.i made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet, 当我创造女人的时候, 我决定把她造的很特别, 我让她的双肩强壮的足以能够承担整个世界,但是, 却让她的双臂温柔的足够去安慰他人...i gave her the inner strength to endure childbirthand the rejection even from her own children.我给她内在的力量去忍受生产的剧痛, 也让她有勇气承受无数的伤害, 甚至这些伤害有时会来自于自己的孩子...i gave her a hardne that allows her to keep going and take care of her family and friends, even when everyone else gives up, through sickne and fatigue without 我给她顽强,让她能够不断地前进, 并且照顾自己的家人和朋友, 甚至当每个人都放弃的时候, 她却能够坚强地在疾病和劳累之时毫无怨言...i gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances.even when her child has hurt her badly....she has the very special power to make a childs boo-boo feel better and to quell a teenagers anxieties and fears....我给她内心的敏感,让她在任何环境下都深爱着自己的孩子.甚至在他们深深伤害她的时候．．． 她用那特别的力量，让年幼孩子的在受伤的时候感到安慰，也能够让年轻的子女消除紧张与恐惧．．．

i gave her strength to care for her husband, despite faultsand i fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart....我给她力量关心她的丈夫，尽管他会犯错．我用男人的肋骨创造了女人，使女人可以保护男人的心脏．．．

i gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly....我给她智慧，让她知道一个好丈夫永远不会伤害他的妻子，但有时候会试炼她坚定的永远跟随自己丈夫的能力与决心． for all of this hard work, i also gave her a tear to shed.it is hers to use whenever needed and it is her only weakne....when you see her cry,tell her how much you love her, and all she does for everyone, and even though she may still cry, you will have made her heart feel good.因为这些种种的困难， 我也同样赐她流下眼泪，

这是当她在需要时可以使用的， 这是她唯一的软弱之处．．． 当你看到她哭泣的时候， 告诉她你有多么地爱她，

告诉她她为所有人所做的一切， 即使这样她可能还是会哭泣， 但你会使她的心里得到安慰． she is special! please send this to women you know, and those with mothers,sisters, and special women in their lives.她是独特的！

请把这个信息传递给你认识的女人， 有母亲，姐妹和特别的女性在他们生命里的人．

but, also send this to men so they will understand about what a wonderful thing a woman is.篇2：英语演讲幽默开场白 英语演讲幽默开场白 作为一个演讲者，我从观众那只得到过两种抱怨：一种是我讲话声音太大了，他们无法入睡；第二种是我讲得时间太长了，他们无法一直清醒。 作为一个讲演者，他的演讲总拿来和林肯的哥得堡演讲[一个著名的演讲]相比较。当他演讲结束时，也有悲伤、眼泪和悲痛——特别是计划委员会。 幽默注释：演讲者讲得太糟糕了，组织者哭得很伤心。

演讲结束时，宴会主人感谢你从繁忙的日程中抽出时间来——你泰然自若，优雅地点头微笑着，心里非常清楚你日历上唯一的事情就是就早餐后喝点咖啡poise is when you finish your speech and the toastmaster thanks you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be a part of their program --- and you nod and smile graciously knowing full well that the only thing on your calendar is a little coffee from breakfast.幽默注释：一些老干部退休后没什么事干，有人请他参加一些活动，他还假装很忙，好象推开了很多事才赶去似的。

过去我演讲时常常会比较紧张，但那时我看到一条信息说如果你想象所有的观众都是裸体会有所帮助。此时此刻，我站在这里想象着观众都是裸体，真的起作用，我不再紧张了，但眼睛有些疲劳。

i used to get nervous when giving a speech but then i read that it helps to think of the entire audience as being naked.and so, at this very moment, i’m standing up here imagining every one in this audience as being naked.and it really works.i no suffer from nervousne.eyestrain.yes 幽默注释：把观众想象成裸体，意思是我不怕你们，就不紧张了。

创新句子：大部分人站在讲台上都会有点儿紧张，我属于少部分人，我非常紧张。 我本人不自负——我简直不能告诉你们我是多么钦佩我这一点。

personally, i have never been conceited --- and i can’t tell you how much i admire myself for that.幽默句子：他因为自己不自负，所以变得非常骄傲。 创新句子：我一点儿都不自负，我希望别人也这么看我.我先用简单明了的英语演讲，以后我再翻译给律师听。

let me put this into plain english.i’ll translate it for the lawyers later.幽默注释：律师总喜欢用复杂的语言，简单的话都听不懂了。

创新句子：我的讲话有三个版本，小学生版本，中学生版本，大学生版本，你是听小学一年纪版的，还是小学二年纪版的？

如果你听过这个故事，请不要打断我，我就知道这一个故事。

if you’ve already heard this story, please don’t stop me because it’s the only one i know.幽默注释：就是你知道两个故事，讲故事前也可以这么说。

创新句子：我讲个笑话，如果你们听过，也希望装做没听过，我也这样照顾你们。 演讲就象给草坪浇水，如果有四分之一的水渗下去你就满意了。

making a speech is like watering a lawn.you’re satisfied if just a quarter of it sinks in.幽默注释：有人打呼噜，有人说话，都是正常的，有四分之一观众听就不错了。 幽默句子：即兴演讲的开场白。

创新句子：我不知道你们会不会喜欢我的演讲，我不知道我要讲点儿什么开始前我想告诉你们下面的演讲已经编辑成了电视节目，我现在少讲20分钟，我们能够及时赶回家看2台的节目。

before i begin, i want you to know that the following speech has been edited fortelevision.i cut 20 minutes out of it so we could all get home in time for the game on channel 2. 幽默注释：放着现场不看，偏要回家在电视上看。

可能你们有些人知道我今晚出现在这里有两个原因：第一个原因是你们的计划委员会一直在设法寻找一个聪明、有趣、老练的演讲者，——他们找到了。第二个原因是那个人病了，所以就打电话把我找来了。

幽默注释：一开始好象在说自己很牛，其实就是个临时替场。

创新句子：我认为我演讲很风趣，可为什么没人笑呢？篇3：幽默英语演讲稿 幽默英语演讲稿 love your mother 爱你的母亲

why are you crying, a young boy asked his mom? 你为什么哭?一个小男孩问他的妈妈. because im a woman, she told him.因为我是女人,她告诉他.i dont understand, he said.我不明白.他回答

his mom just hugged him and said, and you never will, but thats o.k........妈妈拥抱了他说,你永远也不会明白,但没关系...later the little boy asked his father, why does mom seem to cry for no reason?.后来小男孩问他的父亲妈妈为什么似乎在无缘无故的哭泣? all women cry for no reason, was all his dad could say......所有的女人都会常常没有原因地哭泣,这是他的父亲唯一可以解释的...the little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.等到小男孩长大,成了男人的时候,他仍然奇怪妈妈为什么哭.finally he put in a call to god and when god got back to him, he asked god, why do women cry so easily? 最后他把这件事祷告给上帝,他问上帝,为什么女人容易哭泣? god answered......上帝回答: when i made woman, i decided she had to be special.i made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet, 当我创造女人的时候, 我决定把她造的很特别, 我让她的双肩强壮的足以能够承担整个世界,但是, 却让她的双臂温柔的足够去安慰他人...i gave her the inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection even from her own children.我给她内在的力量去忍受生产的剧痛,也让她有勇气承受无数的伤害, 甚至这些伤害有时会来自于自己的孩子... i gave her a hardne that allows her to keep going and take care of her family and friends, even when everyone else gives up, through sickne and fatigue without 我给她顽强,让她能够不断地前进, 并且照顾自己的家人和朋友, 甚至当每个人都放弃的时候, 她却能够坚强地在疾病和劳累之时毫无怨言... i gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances.even when her child has hurt her badly.... she has the very special power to make a childs boo-boo feel better and to quell a teenagers anxieties and fears....我给她内心的敏感,让她在任何环境下都深爱着自己的孩子.甚至在他们深深伤害她的时候．．．

她用那特别的力量，让年幼孩子的在受伤的时候感到安慰，也能够让年轻的子女消除紧张与恐惧．．．

i gave her strength to care for her husband, despite faults and i fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart....我给她力量关心她的丈夫，尽管他会犯错．我用男人的肋骨创造了女人，使女人可以保护男人的心脏．．．

i gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly....我给她智慧，让她知道一个好丈夫永远不会伤害他的妻子，但有时候会试炼她坚定的永远跟随自己丈夫的能力与决心． for all of this hard work, i also gave her a tear to shed.it is hers to use whenever needed and it is her only weakne....when you see her cry,tell her how much you love her, and all she does for everyone, and even though she may still cry, you will have made her heart feel good.因为这些种种的困难， 我也同样赐她流下眼泪，

这是当她在需要时可以使用的， 这是她唯一的软弱之处．．． 当你看到她哭泣的时候， 告诉她你有多么地爱她，

告诉她她为所有人所做的一切， 即使这样她可能还是会哭泣， 但你会使她的心里得到安慰． she is special! please send this to women you know, and those with mothers, sisters, and special women in their lives.她是独特的！

请把这个信息传递给你认识的女人， 有母亲，姐妹和特别的女性在他们生命里的人．

but, also send this to men so they will understand about what a wonderful thing a woman is.each day is a mountain that must be climbed; with courage each step

推荐第3篇：英文幽默故事

英文幽默故事：

There was a guy who went into a shop to buy a parrot.There werethree parrots in the shop.One was $5,000; another one, $10,000; and the third one, $30,000.The customer asked the owner, “How come this guy is $5,000? That‟s so expensive for this kindof parrot.” The owner said, “Because I have trained him and he can talk.” So the customer asked him, “How about this guy? What can he do that makes him so expensive?” The owner said, “Well, apart from talking, he can also do some amusing actions,like dancing and so on.That‟s why he‟s so expensive.” Then the customer said, “How about the third one? What canhe do that makes him so expensive?” The owner of the shopsaid, “I don‟t know.Normally, I have never heard him talk, nor dance, nor whistle, nor sing, nothing at all! But the other two call him „The Bo.‟”

老板最大 有个人到一间商店买鹦鹉。店里有三只鹦鹉，其中一只卖五千元，另一只卖一万元，还有一只卖三万元。顾客问老板：「为什么这只要卖五千元？这个价钱对这种鹦鹉来说太贵了！」老板说：「因为我有训练他讲话。」顾客又问：「那这只呢？他会做什么？为什么要卖这么贵？」老板说：「他除了会说话之外，还会表演一些有趣的动作，好比说跳舞等等，所以才卖这么贵。」顾客接着又问：「那第三只呢？他会做什么？为什么要卖这么贵？」老板说：「我不知道。我从没听过他讲话、吹口哨或唱歌，也没看过他跳舞，什么都没有！不过另外两只叫他：『老板！』」

Where is the egg? Teacher:Can you make a sentence with the word \"egg\"? Student:Yes.I ate a piece of cake yesterday.Teacher:Then where is the “egg\"? Student:In the cake,Sir.鸡蛋在哪里？

老师：你能用“鸡蛋”一词造句吗？ 学生：可以。我昨天吃了一块蛋糕。 老师：“鸡蛋”在哪？ 学生：在蛋糕里，先生

Tom is a little boy, and he is only seven years old.Once he goes to a cinema.It is the first time for him to do that.He buys a ticket and goes in.But after two or three minutes he comes out, and buys the second ticket and goes in again.After a few minutes he comes out again and buys the third ticket.Two or three minutes after that he comes out and asks for another ticket.But a girl asks him,“Why do you buy so many tickets? How many friends do you meet?” “No, I have no friends here, but a big woman always stops me at the door and cuts up my ticket.”

汤姆是个小孩， 他才7岁。 当他去电影院的时候。那时他第一次去。他买了张票进去了。 但没过两三分钟他就出来了，然后买了第二张票又进去了。 几分钟后他又出来买了第三张票。 接着两三分钟后他又出来买票。 一个女的问她，“你为什么要买那么多票啊? 你见到了几个朋友？\" \"没有， 我里面没朋友， 但是每当我进门的时候一位大的女人老把我的票给剪了\"

Child:My uncle has 1000 men under him.Man:He is really somebody.What does do? Child:A maintenance man in a cemetery 他真是一个大人物

小孩：我叔叔下面有1000个人。

男人：他真是一个大人物。他是干什么的？ 小孩：墓地守墓人。

Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?

Student: Of course.He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.一名伟人

老师：如果莎士比亚还活着，他会是一名伟人吗？

学生：当然。因为到目前为止，还没有人活到400多岁。

Mr.Smith: Waiter, there\'s a dead fly in my soup. Waiter: Yes, sir, I know---it\'s the heat that kills it.史密斯先生：服务员，我的汤里有一只死苍蝇．

服务员：是的，先生，我知道了，它是被烫死的．

Son: Dad, give me a dime.

Father: Son, don\'t you think you\'re getting too big to be forever begging for dimes? Son: I gue you\'re right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you? 儿子：爸爸，给我一角钱。

父亲：儿子，你不认为你已经长大了，不该再老是一角一角地要钱了(该自立了)，不是吗？

儿子：爸爸，我想你是对的，那给我一块钱行吗？

A little kid fell in love with another little kid, a school mate.Sometimes the kids think they fall in love when they have a crush on someone else in the cla, when they‟re eight or ten years old or something like that.So the eight-year-oldkid came back home and asked his father, “Father, is it expensive to be married?” And the father said, “Yes, son, it is very expensive.” So the son asked, “How much does it cost?” And the father said, “I don‟t know, son.I‟m still paying.”

有个小孩爱上了另一个小孩，对方是学校的同学。八岁或十岁左右的孩子有时会迷恋班上某个人，然后就以为自己恋爱了。因此这个八岁的小孩回家问他爸爸：「爸爸，结婚很花钱吗？」爸爸说：「是啊，儿子，非常花钱。」儿子又问：「要花多少钱呢？」爸爸说：「我不知道，儿子，我到现在还一直在付钱啊！」

\"Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?\" \"No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it.\"

“孩子，你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了吗？”

“没有，老师。可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是一个耳朵里进，一个耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面。”

“I\'m sorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy\'s tooth .”

“Twenty d ollars! Why ，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”

“Yes，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .”

“对不起，夫人，为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。” “20美元！为什么？不是说好只要4美元。”

“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四个病人吓跑了。”

TWO： Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract.Now，can anyone give me a good example?

John：Well ，in the summer the days are long，and in the winter the days are short. 老师：我们都知道热胀冷缩的道理。现在，谁给我举个例子？

约翰：嗯，在夏天天都长，在冬天天都短。

The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours.then he started again, and said he:\"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?\"

\"I\'ll venture an answer, \" said an old lady.\"We have worn them off sitting here so long.\".

教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了？”

“我来试试看，”一位老太太说。

“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”

A man was going to the house of some rich person.As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road.He said, \"I do not want to eat those apples; for the rich man will give me much food; he will give me very nice food to eat.\" Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust.He went on and came to a river.The river had become very big; so he could not go over it.He waited for some time; then he said, \"I cannot go to the rich man\'s house today, for I cannot get over the river.\" He began to go home.He had eaten no food that day.He began to want food.He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them.Do not throw good things away; you may be glad to have them at some other time.

【译文】 一个人正朝着一个富人的房子走去，当他沿着路走时，在路的一边他发现一箱好苹果，他说：“我不打算吃那些苹果，因为富人会给我更多的食物，他会给我很好吃的东西。”然后他拿起苹果，一把扔到土里去。 他继续走，来到河边，河涨水了，因此，他到不了河对岸，他等了一会儿，然后他说：“今天我去不了富人家了，因为我不能渡过河。” 他开始回家，那天他没有吃东西。他就开始去找吃的，他找到苹果，很高兴地把它们从尘土中翻出来吃了。 不要把好东西扔掉，换个时候你会觉得它们大有用处。

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.\"What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?\" \"I gave it to a poor old woman,\" he answered.\"You\'re a good boy,\" said the mother proudly.\"Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?\" \"She is the one who sells the candy.\"

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。

“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”

“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。”

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home.At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.Now, he asked, \"What\'s the meaning of the word \'Drunk\', dad?\" \"Well, my son,\" his father replied, \"look, there are standing two policemen.If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.\" \"But, dad,\" the boy said, \" there\'s only ONE policeman!\"

醉酒

一天，父亲与小儿子一块儿回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，„醉‟字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”

Sleeping Pills

Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night.He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm.He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his bo: \"I didn\'t have a bit of trouble getting up this morning.\" \"That\'s fine,\" roared the bo, \"but where were you Monday and Tuesday?\"

安眠药

鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。

星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。” “好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”

推荐第4篇：英文幽默简单自我介绍

自我介绍就是在几分钟内“推销”自己。以下是小编带来英文幽默简单自我介绍的相关内容，希望对你有帮助。

英文幽默简单自我介绍 范例

1Good afternoon madam and sir：

I am glad to be here to meet all of you.First please let me introduce myself.My name is*****, 21.I come from Qinhuangdao,a beautiful cost city of Hebei Province.I am a college student Majored in food science and engineering，studying at the life science department of Heilonjiang University,chemisty and biology is my major subjects.I have been studying hard since I enter the life science department.Now I am monitor of my cla and get along with my clamates.

Since this march ,I ’ve been working as an aistant at the heilongjiang university work-study office,and performe well.I am very lucky to get the chance to be inteviewed by you 。

I am open-minded ,quick in thought energetic and positive .like other youngers。I havebroad interests ，especially search the Internet and do some schemes 。I usually organise team-work activities，thus ，I ’m good at communicating with others and making frieds widely.What’s more I can act consonace with the requirements of the occasions and have a experience of administrate a cal which consists of 60 students.At the end of the work I became friends with them.

I always believe that one will easily lag behind unle he keeps on learning .Of course, if I were given the chance to work for new Oriental ， I would spare no effort to make a difference.

Thank you

英文幽默简单自我介绍 范例

2Hello, everyone.I’m very happy to stand here to introduce myself.

大家好，很高心站在这里介绍我自己。

My name is________________.I’m _____years old, from ______________________ Primary School.It’s a beautiful school, and I love it very much.

我叫XXX 。今年____岁。我来自______，这是一所美丽的学校，我很喜欢它。

I’m a happy and talented ______.I like to make friends with others, and I get on well with my clamates.____________ is my favorite sport.I always ____________ in my spare time.Through this game, I get many benefits.

我是一个快乐、聪明的________。我喜欢交朋友，并且我和班上同学相处的很好。__________是我最喜欢的运动，我经常在空余时间__________。通过这项游戏，我获得了很多有益的东西。

At school, I study Chinese, Math, English, History, and so on.I like all of them.And I’m doing well in my study.I’m interested in learning English very much.I believe that I will do well in future.I won’t let you down.在学校，我学了语文、数学、英语、历史等课程。我很喜欢这些可能，并且好好学习它们。我很有兴趣学习英语，并且我相信我能学好它。我不会让你失望的。

Thank you for your listening.

感谢您的聆听。

英文幽默简单自我介绍 范例3

each examiner:

i call/**, come from shandong province.this year is 21 years old, , is a student who will soon graduate.

paes the foundation knowledge that the teachers guidance controled a calculator with personal effort firmly in the school.mainly studied c language at the software aspect.c#.java etc.plait the distance language, the data structure, vf.acce etc.database is applied, calculator operate system.studied the dreamweaver web page manufacture and the asp network to weave a distance also.studied the calculator network at the hardware aspect, the calculator construction with maintain.combine many times to attend to pack machine, set the fulfillment of the net operation leon, make me control the work principle of the calculator and the set of the calculator network net proce.

in addition, i attend various activities of the school organization to come to the oneself of 锻炼 actively and do various part-time to increase social experience.the teacher is divided into the group to us in the experiment and practice of the leon remaining to complete miion, make we the deep comprehension arrive the importance of the team.the and the rise time acquires the school scholarship during the period of school, three staffs.

however necearily limited at the knowledge that the school learn, therefore i would ready to take advice study in the later work, the backlog working experience, the exaltation work ability.hope your company to give me a displays an own opportunity!

this with the result that

salute

推荐第5篇：幽默商务英文自我介绍

导语：我学的是神圣的知识，你居然用分数来衡量，这简直是对学术的沾污!以下小编为大家介绍幽默商务英文自我介绍文章，欢迎大家阅读参考!

幽默商务英文自我介绍

1各位领导，大家好。我叫朱萍萍，来自湖南常德，是一名湖南农业大学外国语学院的应届毕业生，我的专业是商务英语。我喜欢打羽毛球，喜欢听音乐，是个活泼开朗，热情大方的女孩子。喜欢交朋友，也总会给别人带来欢笑。

我是一个来自农村的普通女孩，从小被农村淳朴的感情渲染。我有一个幸福的家庭，和爸爸妈妈，妹妹一起生活。从小我亲眼目睹了爸爸妈妈为了这个家所付出的辛苦，劳累与奔波，一点一滴都深深的刻在我的心中。

在大学三年，不仅只是能力还是个人修养上，我都受益匪浅。在老师的教导和个人的努力下，我具备了扎实的专业基础知识，并系统的掌握了各方面的理论知识，几倍了听说读写译的能力。在大学第一期，我顺利的通过了大学英语三级的考试，并在第二年就具备了大学英语四级的水平。并且，我能够熟练的进行计算机Word,Excel,Photoshop的软件操作，在大学第三年掌握了外贸单证制单与跟单的操作。大学期间，我担任学生会女生部部长一职，工作上细心，负责市我任职期间遵守的原则。我带领部门的其她成员，把女生部的工作管理的井井有条，并得到了学校领导和老师的一职肯定。在期末总结大会上，我并作为学生会所有成员代表进行了发言。暑假期间，我曾参加过学校的留校实践，不仅仅是希望问母校做一些力所能及的贡献，更期望能一次来巩固自己的专业知识和应变能力。我热爱参加学校组织的各种活动，比如：文艺汇演，英语角还有班会主持，我都积极参加，并取得了不错的效果。

尽管我只是一名应届毕业生，但我有应届毕业生上刻苦，热情的精神，希望贵公司能给我这次机会，能为贵公司添砖加瓦。

Everybody, everybody.My name is Zhu Pingping, from Changde, Hunan.I am a graduate of the Foreign Language College of Hunan Agricultural University.My major is busine English.I like to play badminton, like to listen to music, is a lively, cheerful, warm and generous girls.Love to make friends, and always bring laughter to others.I am an ordinary girl from the countryside, and I was brought up by the simple feelings of the countryside.I have a happy family, living with my parents and my sister.From my own eyes, I witneed my father and mother\'s hard work, tired and running, deeply engraved in my heart.

In the three years of University, not only ability or personal accomplishment, I have benefited a lot.Under the teacher\'s teaching and personal efforts, I have solid profeional knowledge and have systematically grasped all aspects of theoretical knowledge, which has doubled the abilities of listening, speaking, reading, writing and translating.In the first phase of the University, I paed the College English exam three smoothly, and in second years, I had the level of College English level Four.And, I can be proficient in computer Word, Excel, Photoshop software operation, third years in the university to master the foreign trade documents and documents and the operation of the documentary.During the University, I served as the Minister of the student union and was careful in my work and was responsible for the principles I observed during my job.I led her members of the Department to manage the work of the girls\' department and be sure of the position of the school leaders and teachers.At the end of the final conference, I made a speech as a representative of all the members of the student union.During the summer vacation, I participated in the school practice school, just want to ask their alma mater to make contribution, can expect more time to consolidate the profeional knowledge and ability of their own.I love to participate in various activities organized by the school, such as literature and art exhibition, English corner and cla meeting.I have been actively participating in it, and have achieved good results.

Although I am just a graduating student, I have fresh and enthusiastic spirit of graduating students.I hope your company can give me this opportunity to make bricks and mortar for your company.

幽默商务英文自我介绍

2本人思想积极向上，乐观大方，成绩优秀，吃苦耐劳，有耐心，在校期间一直担任系里学生会干部的职位，对工作总是抱着认真负责的态度，实践能力强，人际关系良好，在校期间获得相当多的荣誉，得到老师和同学们的支持和认可。

在校期间，我积极进取，努力学好各门专业课程，学习成绩优异，连年获得“三好学生”称号，并连续两年获得国家励志奖学金。我初步掌握了网页制作、图像处理、动画制作等基本技能，能熟练运用office软件，通过国家英语四级的考试，还获得国家市场营销经理助理证。此外，我还报读了自考本科，并取得优良的成绩。

在社会实践方面，我一直担任系学生会干部的职位，组织并参加了学院以及系里班里的各项活动，一定程度上锻炼了自己的组织，策划和领导等方面的能力，曾多次参加各类征文比赛并获得相当多的荣誉。通过各种各样的活动，我增加了与其他同学交流和学习的机会，锻炼了自己的交际能力，学到别人的长处，认清自己的短处.此外，暑假期间通过师姐的介绍在广州XX公司做网络推广的兼职，以及在11月到12月期间在广州XX公司实习了一个月。通过一系列的社会实践活动，提高了自己的为人处世的能力，同时也为以后做事打下了基础。

本人是20xx应届毕业生，从事过一些社会实践，没有太多的经验和阅历，尽管如此，但我自学能力和接受能力强，有高度责任感，只要能给我一个舞台，我有信心通过自己的努力可以开拓出一片广阔的天空!

I am thinking positive, optimistic and generous, good grades, hard-working, patient, during the school has served as student cadres in the Department of work position, always take a serious and responsible attitude, strong practical ability, good interpersonal relationship, during the period of school got many honors, supported and recognized by teachers and students.During the period of school, I was active and enterprising, and I tried to learn various profeional courses.My academic records were excellent.I got the title of \"three good students\" year after year, and won the national inspirational scholarship for two years.I have mastered basic skills of web page making, image proceing, animation making and so on.I can skillfully use office software and pa the National English four level examination, and I also get the Aistant Certificate of national marketing manager.In addition, I also read the undergraduate course, and achieved excellent results.

In social practice, I have been working as a student cadre posts, organized and participated in the school and the Department of Libanli activities, to a certain extent, exercise their organizational ability, planning and other aspects of leadership, who have participated in all kinds of competition and gaining considerable honor.Through a variety of activities, I increase exchanges with other students and learning opportunities to exercise their communicative ability, learn the strengths of others, to recognize their own weaknees.In addition, during the summer vacation to do network promotion of part-time in Guangzhou XX company by Shijie is introduced, and in November to December during the internship for a month in Guangzhou XX company.Through a series of social practice activities, we have improved their ability to live and lay the foundation for future work.

I am 20XX graduates engaged in some social practice, not too much experience and experience, though, but my self-learning ability and strong ability to accept, with high sense of responsibility, as long as you can give me a stage, I am confident that through their own efforts to open up a vast sky!

幽默商务英文自我介绍

3我叫***，是一名电子商务专业的学生。

我就读于****学校，将于200*年*月毕业。我非常珍惜在校期间的学习机会，认真学习文化课程，较熟悉地掌握专业知识，与此同时，我还学会了许多做人做事的道理。三年来的学习生话磨练出一个自信和上进心强的我。

面对知识经济的到来，计算机技术也得到了广泛的应用。作为一个21世纪的大学生，面对的又是一个新的挑战。不仅要有扎实的专业技能，还需有更多方面的知识。所以大学期间我不断学习，不断拼搏，努力学习各种计算机，网页设计，互联网技术，2000Server，微机原理，跟单信用证，英语函电，国际贸易实务等专业知识。除此之外还选修了案例分析，商务代理，photoshop图像处理以及物流知识等以提高自己的综合素质。

对待学习，我认真努力，对待工作我同样也能做到爱岗敬业，谨慎负责，一丝不苟。在生活方面我乐观，热情，诚恳，宽容。

鉴于此，我希望能在毕业后谋一职位，热切期望能用自己所学之技为社会做出自己的微薄之力。

我自信能胜任自己的工作，本着“迎难而上”的精神，我将凭自己的能力克服各种困难，更好地胜任将来的工作。

My name is * * *, a student of E - commerce.

I am at * * * * school and will graduate in 200* month.I cherish the opportunity to learn in school, study culture courses and master profeional knowledge, and at the same time, I have learned a lot about the principles of doing things.In the past three years, the learning students have developed a self confident and motivated self.

In the face of the advent of knowledge economy, computer technology has also been widely used.As a college student in twenty-first Century, it is a new challenge.We should not only have solid profeional skills, but also have more knowledge.So during my college years, I kept learning and working hard to learn all kinds of computer, web design, Internet technology, 2000Server, microcomputer principles, documentary credits, English correspondence, international trade practice and other profeional knowledge.In addition to this, we have selected case analysis, busine agent, Photoshop Image proceing and logistics knowledge to improve their comprehensive quality.

In the course of learning, I work hard, and I can also do my job and be conscientious and conscientious and meticulous.I am optimistic, enthusiastic, sincere and tolerant in life.

In view of this, I hope to be able to make a job after graduation, and eagerly anticipate that I can use the skill you learn to make my own little power.

I am confident that I am competent for my job.I will overcome all kinds of difficulties and become better qualified for future work in a spirit of \"facing difficulties and going up\".

幽默商务英文自我介绍

4大家好!很荣幸能参加本次面试，让我有向各位考官学习与交流的机会：

我叫XXX，来自于**。性格比较温和、谦虚、认真细致、踏实、吃苦耐劳、有较强的责任心和社会适应能力。今年6月即将毕业于**大学电子商务专业，在大学四年的学习生活中，我对平面这一领域的相关知识有了一定的掌握，同时具有实际的操作能力与技术。

为了使所学知识能与实践快速的结合在一起，我参加了长达3个月的实践训练，全面系统地学习了平面方面的专业知识与技能，能够应用平面设计的相关软件(Photoshop图像处理软件、Illustrator与CoreIdRAW矢量绘图软件、InDesigin与Pagemaker排版软件)做基本的图像处理、海报、企业宣传册等，能够将所学知识真正应用到实际生活中。

我承认自己还不是最优秀的人才，但是我希望之集是此岗位最合适的人选，希望有幸能够被贵公司领导予以特别考虑。今后我在好的方面再接再厉，不足之处有所改善。我的介绍到此结束。谢谢!

Hello, everyone.It\'s a great pleasure to attend this interview.Let me have the opportunity to learn and communicate to the examiners.

My name is XXX, from * *.Temperate, modest, conscientious, conscientious, solid, hardworking, strong sense of responsibility and social adaptability.In June this year, I will graduate from the electronic commerce major of * * University.During the four years\' study and life of University, I have mastered the related knowledge of plane field, and have practical operation ability and technology at the same time.

In order to make the knowledge and practice of fast together, I participated in the 3 months of practice, comprehensively and systematically study the profeional knowledge and skill level, to related software applications of graphic design (Photoshop image proceing software, Illustrator and CoreIdRAW, InDesigin and Pagemaker vector graphics software publishing software) do the basic image proceing, posters, brochures and other enterprises, will be able to learn the real knowledge applied to practical life.

I admit that I am not the best person yet, but I hope it is the most suitable person in this position.I hope I can be privileged to be considered by your company leader.In the future, I will make persistent efforts in a good way and improve the shortcomings.This is the end of my introduction.Thank you!

推荐第6篇：幽默的英文求职自我介绍

求职过程中首先要做自我介绍，幽默的自我介绍能缓解紧张的气氛。幽默的英文求职自我介绍要怎么说呢？下面是小编整理的幽默的英文求职自我介绍，欢迎阅读参考！

幽默的英文求职自我介绍1

Good morning!

It is really my honor to have this opportunity for a interview.I hope i can make a good performance today.I\'m confident that I can succeed.

Now i will introduce myself briefly.I am 25 years old,born in Guangdong province.

I was graduated from Guangzhou university.my major is electronic,and i got my bachelor degree after my graduation in the year of 20xx.

I spend most of my time on study,i have paed CET4/6 ,and i have acquired basic knowledge of my major during my school time.

In July 20xx, I begin work for a small private company as a technical support engineer in QingDao city.Because I\'m capable of more responsibilities, so I decided to change my job.

And in August 20xx,I left QingDao to BeiJing and worked for a foreign enterprise as a automation software test engineer.Because I want to change my working environment, I\'d like to find a job which is more challenging.Morover Motorola is a global company, so I feel I can gain the most from working in this kind of company ennvironment.That is the reason why I come here to compete for this position.

I think I\'m a good team player and I\'m a person of great honesty to others.Also I am able to work under great preure.

That’s all.Thank you for giving me the chance.

幽默的英文求职自我介绍2

I am very glad to be here for your interview.My name is xxx; I am 23 years old .I come from xxx, a very beautiful anicent city.My undergraduate period will be accomplished in chang\'an university in July ,20xx;and now, I am trying my best for obtaining a key to xxx university.

Generally speaking, I am a hard working student especially do the thing .I am interested in.I will try my best to finish it no matter how difficult it is.When I was sophomore, I found web design very interesting, so I learned it very hard.To weaver a homepage for myself, I stayed with my personnel computer for half a month.and I am the first one in my cla who own his homepage.Furthermore is a person with great perseverance.During the days preparing for the first examination, I insist on running every day, no matter what the weather was like.And just owning to this, I could concentrate on my study and succeeded in the end.Well, in my spare time, I like basketball, tennis and Chinese che.Also English is my favorate.I often go to English corner to practice my oral English on every Thursday, and write compositions to improve my written ability .but I know my English is not good enough, I will continue studying.

Ok, that is all, thank you for your attention.

幽默的英文求职自我介绍3

Honourable Judges,Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon/morning! I have been falling in love with Japanese/ Ruian since my girlhood.When I hear someone is talking Japanese/Ruian, I am intoxicated with the sound as I was listening to music.It\'s my dream to master this language for many years.I am glad to have this chance to realize my dream.Big brothers and big sisters who had been in colleges told me that study is actually to acquire the ability of learning.And I believe that I have the power.I am not a frivolous, lazy, fickle man! On the contrary I have discipline and faith and I dot the I \'s and cro the t \'s while doing the work.After systematic learning, I believe that one day I can communicate with other people freely in Japanese/Ruian and be proud of it.Give me a chance, you will get a surprise.Thank you!

推荐第7篇：经典英文幽默故事(中英对照)

目

录

⊙出门在外

第一次与最后一次

第一次坐飞机

钉子还是苍蝇？

其余的事由我负责

热与冷

士兵的高招

新发现

一个坏印象

⊙工作插曲

安眠药

创造性

催单

模仿鸟儿

你是怎样来的？

三个外科医生

一面之辞

走私犯

⊙购物传奇

采购过早

翅 膀

零钱不用找了

三声口哨

太有礼貌

优缺点

照相机

中间战术

⊙军旅趣话

大制服

快速反应

视力训练

速度限制

西点军校

真没想到我已经往回跑了这么远

正是士兵

最好的奖赏

⊙生活空间

臭鼬

搞错了

好消息和坏消息

绝 配 耐 性

世界上最伟大的击剑手

只有一次

追星族

⊙童心快语

不用找了

缠住不放

款 待

模 仿

睡前祷告词

我很高兴

我教老师

小妹妹

幸运的母亲

一个数学问题

一切都正常

原来如此

⊙我爱我家

百万富翁

迪斯尼之族

家规

老夫妻吵架

孪生龙虾

势均力敌

同样的服务

我还不认识她呢

⊙校园喜剧

班和笨驴

抄 袭

美 德

区 别

数学没及格

业余工作

钥匙还是接吻

自己做好准备

My First and My Last First Flight

A Nail Or A Fly? I\'ll See to the Rest

Chaude and Cold

A Soldier\'s Brilliant Idea New Discovery

A Bad Impreion

Sleeping Pills Creative Reminder Imitate Birds

How Did You Ever Get Here Three Surgeons

One Side of the Case A Smugglar

Early Shopper Wings

Keep the Change

Three Whistles

Too Polite

Good Points and Bad Points Camera

Midway Tactics

Large Uniforms

Quick Reaction

Visual Training

Speed Limit

West Point

I Didn\'t Know That I Was So Far Back Already! None Other Than a Soldier

Best Reward

Skunk

A Mistake

Good News And Bad News

Perfect Match

Patience

The World\'s Greatest Swordsman

Only Once

Starstruck

Keep the Change

Persistance

Treat

Imitation

Bedtime Prayers

I\'m Glad

I Taught the Teacher A Baby Sister

Lucky Mother

A Problem in Arithmetic

Things Have Been Okay That\'s Why

Millionaire

A Trip to Disney

A Family Rule

An Old Couple\'s Quarrel

Twin Lobsters

A Fine Match

The Same Service

I Don\'t Know Her

Cla and A

Plagiarism

Virtue

Difference

Flunking Math

Part-time Job

Keys? Ki?

Prepare Yourself

第一次与最后一次

乔治35岁时买了架小型飞机，并开始学习驾驶。不久，他就能很娴熟地驾机做各种各样的特技飞行了。

乔治有个朋友名叫马克。一天，乔治主动邀请马克乘他的飞机上天兜一圈。马克心想，“我乘大客机飞行过好几次，还从来没有乘过小飞机，我不妨试一试。”

升空后，乔治飞了有半个小时，在空中做了各种各样的飞行特技。

后来他们着陆了。马克很高兴能够安全返回地面。他用颤抖的声音对他的朋友说：“乔治，非常感谢你让我乘小飞机做了两次飞行。”

乔治非常吃惊地问：“两次飞行？”

“是的，我的第一次和最后一次。”马克答道。

My First and My Last

When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it.He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks.

George had a friend.His name was Mark.One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane.Mark thought, \"I\'ve travelled in a big plane several times, but I\'ve never been in a small one, so I\'ll go.\"

They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air.

When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, \"Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane.\"

Gerogy was very surprised and said, \"Two trips?\"

\"Yes, my first and my last,\" answered Mark.

第一次坐飞机

约翰逊先生从前未乘过飞机，他读过许多关于飞行事故的报道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀请他乘自己的小飞机飞行时，约翰逊先生非常担心，不敢接受。不过，由于朋友不断保证说飞行是很安全的，约翰逊先生终于被说服了，登上了飞机。

他的朋友启动引擎开始在机场跑道上滑行。约翰逊先生听说飞行中最危险的是起飞与降落，所以他吓得紧闭双眼。

过了一两分钟，他睁开双眼朝窗外望去，接着对朋友说道：“看下面那些人，他们看起来就象蚂蚁一样小，是不是？”

“那些就是蚂蚁，”他的朋友答道，“我们还在地面上。”

First Flight

Mr.Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr.Johnson was very worried about accepting.Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr.Johnson boarded the plane.

His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport.Mr.Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.

After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, \"Look at those people down there.They look as small as ants, don\'t they?\"

\"Those are ants,\" answered his friend.\"We\'re still on the ground.\"

钉子还是苍蝇？

一位视力正在衰退的老绅士住进了一家旅馆的客房。他双手各拿一瓶酒。在墙上有只苍蝇，他误以为是枚钉子。他把两只瓶子朝上一挂，瓶子掉下来摔碎了，酒洒了一地。一个女服务员发现发生的事情以后，对他深表同情，决定帮他个忙。

于是，第二天早上他到楼顶花园散步时，她把一枚钉子钉在了苍蝇停过的地方。

这里，老人回到了房里。倒洒的酒味让他想起了那件事。他抬头往墙上一看，苍蝇又停在了那儿!他轻手轻脚地走近，使尽全力拍了一掌。听到一声大叫，好心的女服务员冲进房来。让她大为吃惊的是，可怜的老头正坐在地板上，牙关紧咬，右手滴血不止。

A Nail Or A Fly?

An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand.On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail.So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor.When a waitre discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.

So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.

Now the old man entered his room.The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident.When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength.On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitre rushed in.To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!

其余的事由我负责

一位车上的列车员刚发出信号让火车启动，这时他看见一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站台上一节打开的车厢门旁边，跟车厢里另一位漂亮姑娘在说话。

“快点，小姐!”他喊道：“请把门关上。”

“噢，我还没有和妹妹吻别呢。”她回答道。

“请把门关上好了，”列车员说：“其余的事由我负责。”

I\'ll See to the Rest

A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.

\"Come on, mi!\" he shouted.\"Shut the door, please!\"

\"Oh, I just want to ki my sister goodbye,\" she called back.

\"You just shut that door, please,\" called the guard, \"and I\'ll see to the rest.\"

热与冷

蒙特利尔自助餐厅的一位顾客拧开盥洗室的龙头，结果被水烫伤了。“这太可恶了，”他抱怨道，“标着C的龙头流出的是开水。”

“可是，先生，C代表Chaude－法语里代表„热‟。如果您居住在蒙特利尔的话就得知道这一点。”

“等等，”那位顾客咆哮一声，“另外一个龙头同样标的是C。”

“当然，”经理说道：“它代表冷。毕竟，蒙特利尔是个双语城市。”

Chaude and Cold

A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.\"This is an outrage,\" he complained.\"The faucet marked C gave me boiling water.\"

\"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaudeand a pair of glaes.Today that man is seated in United States Senate.\"

一面之辞

一位法官问我们这群修补陪审员是否有人应当免权。一个人举起了手。

“我的左耳听不见。”那人告诉法官。

“你的右边耳朵听得见吗？”法官问道。那人点了点头。

“你将被允许加入陪审团，”法官宣布。“我们每次只听一面之辞。”

One Side of the Case

A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand.

\"I can\'t hear out of my left ear,\" the man told the judge.

\"Can you hear out of your right ear?\" the judge asked.The man nodded his head.

\"You\'ll be allowed to serve on the jury,\" the judge declared.\"We only listen to one side of the case at a time.\"

走私犯

一个形迹可疑的人开车来到边境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在检查汽车行李箱时，惊奇地发现了六个接缝处鼓得紧绷绷的大口袋。

“里面装的是什么？”他问道。

“土。”司机回答。

“把袋子拿出来”，哨兵命令道：“我要检查。”

那人顺从地把口袋搬了出来。确实，口袋里除了土以外，别无他特。哨兵很不情愿地让他通过了。

一周后，那人又来了，哨兵再次检查汽车上的行李箱。

“这次袋子里装的是什么？”他问道。

“土，又运了一些土。”那人回答。

哨兵不相信，对那些袋子又进行了检查，结果发现，除了土以外，仍旧一无所获。

同样的事情每周重演一次，一共持续了六个月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心丧气，干脆辞职去当了酒吧侍者。有天夜里，那个形迹可疑的人碰巧途经酒吧，下车喝酒。那位从前的哨兵急忙迎上前去对他说，“我说，老兄，你要是能帮我一个忙，今晚的酒就归我请客。你能不能告诉我，那段时间你到底在走私什么东西？”

那人俯身过来，凑近侍者的耳朵，裂开嘴笑嘻嘻地说：“汽车。”

A Smugglar

The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry.When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.

\"What\'s in here?\" he asked.

\"Dirt,\" the driver replied.

\"Take them out,\" the guard instructed.\"I want to check them.\"

Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt.Reluctantly, the guard let him go.

A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.

\"What\'s in the bags this time?\" he asked.

\"Dirt, more dirt.\" said the man.

Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.

The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender.Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink.Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, \"Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you\'ll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time.\"

Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender\'s ear and whispered, \"Cars.\"

采购过早

那天是圣诞节，法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么而被起诉？”他问。

“采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。

“这不算犯法，”法官回答，“你购物多早？”

在商店开门之前，“犯人应道。

Early Shopper

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner.\"What are you charged with?\" he asked.

\"Doing my christmas shopping early,\" replied the defendant.

\"That\'s no offense,\" replied the judge, \"How early were you doing this shopping?\"

\"Before the store opened,\" countered the prisoner.

翅 膀

一天，我工作的炸鸡店在关门前出现了一阵抢购狂潮，结果除了鸡翅外所有的东西都卖完了。当我正准备锁门时，一名喝醉了的旅客进来要进餐。我问他翅膀行不行，他从柜台上靠过身子来，回答道：“女士，我到这儿来是吃东西的，不是要飞！”

Wings

The fried-chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings.As I was about to lock the doors, aa quietly intoxicated customer came in and ordered dinner.When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter and replied, \"Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly.\"

零钱不用找了

在教堂的义卖市上卖旧书时，我与一名准备买东西的顾客发生了一场争论。他对购买袖珍奥金.纳什集颇感兴趣，但是说它要三十五美分开价过高。其它的平装书每本才卖十或十五美分。

我指出这本书保存状况颇好，纳什是个有趣的诗人，这个要价是合理的。他说这是个原则问题。最终，我同意以十五美分的价格将这本书卖给他。他得意洋洋，拿出一张十美元的票子付帐。“零钱不用找了。”他说。

Keep the Change

Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer.He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents.Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.

I pointed out that the book was in good condition.Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause.He said it was a matter of principle.Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents.Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill.\"Keep the change,\" he said.

三声口哨

我答应过我的女朋友过生日进送她一条金项链。可是当珠宝商报出我们看中的那条项链的价格时，我低低地打了个长口哨。“那这条项链多少钱呢？”我指着另一个盘子里的项链问。

“先生，对你来说，”珠宝商答道，“大约值三声口哨。”

Three Whistles

I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle.\"And how much are they then?\" I asked, pointing to another tray.

\"You, sir,\" replied the jeweler, \"about three whistles.\"

太有礼貌

一名妇女经常光顾一家小古董店，但几乎从不买什么东西，却总是对商品和价格吹毛求疵。对于那妇女的粗暴抱怨，经理和她的销售员总是应付了事，但是有一天她做得太过分了。“为什么你们店里总是不能得到我想要的东西？”那名妇女指责说。

职员脸上带着微笑，沉着地回答道：“也许是因为我们太有礼貌了。”

Too Polite

A woman who frequented a small antique shop rarely purchase anything, but always found fault with the merchandise and prices.The manager and her salesclerk took the woman\'s grumpy complaints in stride, but one day she went too far.\"Why is it I never manage to get what I ask for in your shop?\" demanded the woman.

A smile on her face, the clerk calmly replied, \"Perhaps it\'s because we\'re too polite.\"

优缺点

“这幢房子，”房地产推销商说，“既有优点也有缺点。为了说明我是诚实的，我将告诉你们它的缺点there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north.\"

\"What are the advantages?\" inquired the prospective buyer.

\"The good thing about it,\" said the agent, \"is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.\"

照相机

在前往威蒙特参加一个婚礼的路上，我和丈夫意识到我们忘了带照相机。我们在一家百货商店门前停了下来，希望能够买到一种便宜的，一次性照相机。萨尔问店主：“你们有那种用了就扔的照相机吗？”

“我说，小伙子，”店主回答说，“我可不管你买了之后怎么处理它。”

Camera

On our way to a wedding in Vermont, my husband and I realized we had forgotten our camera.We stopped at a general store and, hoping to purchase a cheap, disposable model.Sal asked the owner, \"Do you have any of those throwaway cameras?\"

\"Look, fella,\" replied the owner, \"I don\'t care what you do with it after you buy it.\"

中间战术

三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条林荫道上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。

右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价!”“特便宜!”

左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价!”“大折扣!”

中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”。

Midway Tactics

Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall.Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.

The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, \"Gigantic Sale!\" and \"Super Bargains!\"

The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, \"Prices Slashed!\" and \"Fantastic Discounts!\"

The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, \"ENTRANCE\".

大制服

在圣安东尼奥的莱克兰空军基地的头三天，我们被从一个地方赶到另一个地方去理发、照相、领制服。回到营房之后，训练指导员让我们穿上制服，在营房前原地解散。但是，我些制服特别大。我们列队的时候，中士和他的副手就站在门边。“我们得将一些人弄回去重新量一下，”他说，“最后那个人走了两步，他的制服才动。”

Large Uniforms

During our first three days at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, we were herded from place to place for haircuts, shots and uniforms.Back in our barracks, the drill instructor told us to put on our uniforms and fall out in front of the building.Some of the uniforms, however, were extremely large.As we filed outside, the sergeant stood by the door with his aistant.\"We have to take some of these people back for refitting,\" he said.\"That last man took two steps before his uniform moved.\"

快速反应

我和连长在面试我们炮兵部队侦察中士一职的候选人。被选的士兵要求有敏锐的观察力及快速的反应力。在一次面试时，连长指着一英里外的一座小山问一名年轻的中士：“你能看见那座山吗？”

“是的，长官。”他回答道。

“你能看见那座山上的无线电天线吗？”那士兵又说他能。“那么，”连长接着说：“你能看见停在天线上的那只鸟吗？”

那名中士身体前倾，眼睛眯成一条缝。“看不见，长官，”他说，“但我听见它在唱歌。”

他得到了那份工作。

Quick Reaction

My battery commander and I were interviewing candidates for a position as reconnaiance sergeant in our artillery unit.The selected soldier needed to have keen eyesight, plus the ability to react quickly.During one interview, the commander pointed to a hill about a mile away and asked a young sergeant, \"Can you see that hill over there?\"

\"Yes, sir.\" he replied.

\"Can you see the radio antenna on that hill?\" Again, the soldier said that he could.\"Well, then,\" the commander went on, \"Can you see that bird sitting on the antenna?\"

The sergeant leaned forward and squinted.\"No, sir,\" he said, \"but I can hear it is singing.\"

He got the job.

视力训练

班里正在进行“视力训练”。一个聪明伶俐的新兵被班长叫出来数远处旷野上采掘队的人数。采掘队在很远的地方，那些人看起来只是一些小点儿。但是这个新兵毫不犹豫的回答：

“十六个士兵和一个中士，长官。”

“正确。可你如何知道那儿有一个中士？”

“他不干活，长官。”

Visual Training

The squad were having \"visual training\".One smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field.The party was so far away that the men appeared as mere dots, but unhesitatingly the recruit replied:

\"Sexteen men and a sergeant, sir.\"

\"Right; but how do you know there\'s a sergeant there?\"

\"He\'s not doing any digging, sir.\"

速度限制

我作为美国空军人员分遣部队的一员驻扎在英国皇家空军某某地，那里有一条狭窄的马路蜿蜒穿过拥挤的居民区。因为多次出现汽车撞伤行人一类不甚严重的车祸，美国空军司令员决定将车速限制在每小时三英里。

新的车速限制公布后不久，一名骑警中士因一名吉普车司机开车时速达五英里而给他开了一张超速传票。

我很想知道骑警是怎样如此精确地知道那辆吉普车的速度的。“我遛达着要在邮局关门之前到达那里，”他解释道：“当我超过吉普车时，我注意到计速器指向了每小时五英里。”

Speed Limit

The British RAF base where I was stationed as part of a contingent of USAF personnel had one narrow road winding through the crowded residential area.After a rash of minor vehicle pedestrian accidents, the USAF commander decided to reduce the speed limit to three m.p.h.

Shortly after the new limit was posted, an MP sergeant iued a speeding citation to a jeep driver for going five m.p.h.I was curious to know how the MP had determined the jeep\'s speed so exactly.\"I was jogging to get to the PX before it closed,\" he explained, \"and as I paed the jeep, I noticed that the speedometer read five m.p.h.\"

西点军校

父亲、哥哥和我到西点军校去观看一场陆军与波士顿大学之间的橄榄球赛。开始之前，我们到处转了转，碰到许多穿着整齐制服的学员。几名游客问新兵是否愿意摆出军姿来让他们摄。“好认我们的儿子知道，如果他到西点军校来学习会得到什么。”

一对中年夫妇走近一名非常漂亮的女学员，问她是否愿意摆个姿势照相。他们解释说：“我们想让儿子知道他没来西点军校错过了什么。”

West Point

My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College.Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly preed uniforms.Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, \"to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point.\"

One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture.They explained, \"We want to show our son what he mied by not coming to West Point.\"

真没想到我已经往回跑了这么远!

第一次世界大战期间，一场大战役正在进行。枪炮轰鸣，子弹横飞。这样持续了一小时后，有个士兵认为战斗太危险了，所以他离开前线，开始逃离战场。走了一个小时后，他看见一个军官朝他走过来。军官拦住他，问道：“你到哪儿去？”

“长官，我正尽力躲开身后正在进行的战斗。”士兵回答说。

“你知道我是谁吗？”军官生气地说：“我是你们的指挥官。”

士兵听了十分惊讶地说：“天哪，真没想到我已经往回跑了这么远!”

I Didn\'t Know That I Was So Far Back Already!

A big battle was going on during the First World War.Guns were firing, and shells and bullets were flying about everywhere.After an hour of this, one of the soldier decided that the fighting was getting too dangerous for him, so he left the front line and began to go away from the battle.After he had walked for an hour, he saw an officer coming towards him.The officer stopped him and said, \"Where are you going?\"

\"I\'m trying to get as far away as poible from the battle that\'s going on behind us, sir.\" the soldier answered.

\"Do you know who I am?\" the officer said to him angerly.\"I\'m your commanding officer.\"

The soldier was very surprised when he heard this and said, \"My God, I didn\'t know that I was so far back already!\"

正是士兵

作为一名新上任的步兵中尉，我通过擦拭自己的M-16式自动步枪给全排作个榜样。我们一块擦枪，一名战士抱怨由于M-16的枪栓枪膛的特别凹形结构，擦起来十分困难。

“中尉，应该制造一种擦这枪的工具。”士兵说。

“已经制造出来了。”一军士尖叫。

“真的？”我十分诧异，纳闷为什么我们没有定购这种工具。

“真的，长官，”军士答道，“它就是士兵。”

None Other Than a Soldier

As a newly commiinaed infantry lieutenant, I was eager to set an example for my platoon by cleaning my own M-16 rifle.While we were working on the weapons, one soldier complained about the unusual notched shape of the M-16\'s bolt and chamber, which makes it difficult to clean.

\"Lieutenant, they need to make something to clean this with,\" the soldier said.

\"They do,\" piped up a sergeant.

\"Really,\" I said with surprise, wondering why we had not ordered such a tool.

\"Yes, sir,\" replied the sergeant.\"It\'s called a soldier.\"

最好的奖赏

一名海军军官从甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。这位军官问如何都能酬谢他。

“最好的办法，长官，”这名水手说，“是别声张这事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他们会把我扔下去的。”

Best Reward

A naval officer fell overboard.He was rescued by a deck hand.The officer asked how he could reward him.

\"The best way, sir,\" said the deck hand, \"is to say nothing about it.If the other fellows knew I\'d pulled you out, they\'d chuck me in.\"

臭 鼬

“我们的地下室里有一只臭鼬，”打电话的人对警察调度员尖叫道。“我们怎样才能把它弄出来？”

“弄一些面包屑，”调度员说，“从地下室往外铺一条小道直到后院。然后将地下室的门打开。”

一段时间后，那位居民又将电话打了回来。“你们将它弄出来了吗？”调度员问。

“没有，”打电话的人答道，“现在那儿有两只臭鼬了。”

Skunk

\"We have a skunk in the basement,\" shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher.\"How can we get it out?\"

\"Take some bread crumbs,\" said the dispatcher, \"and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard.Then leave the cellar door open.\"

Sometime later the resident called back.\"Did you get rid of it?\" asked the dispatcher.

\"No,\" replied the caller.\"Now I have two skunks in there!\"

搞错了

一位美国人，一位英格兰人和一位加拿大人在一场车祸中丧生。他们到达天堂的门口。在那里，醉醺醺的圣彼德解释说是搞错了。“每人给我五百美元，”他说，“我将把你们送回人间，就象什么都没有发生过一样。”

“成交!”美国人说。立刻，他发现自己毫不损伤地站在现场附近。

“其他人在哪儿？”一名医生问道。

“我离开之前，”那名美国人说，“我看见英格兰人正在砍价，而那名加拿大人正在分辩说应该由他的政府来出这笔钱。”

A Mistake

An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident.They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St.Peterexplained that there had been a mistake.\"Give me $500 each,\" he said, \"and I\'ll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened.\"

\"Done!\" said the American.Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.

\"Where are the others?\" asked a medic.

\"Last I knew,\" said the American, \"the Scot was huggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay.\"

好消息和坏消息

“有好消息，也有坏消息，”离婚律师告诉他的当事人。

“我总能利用一些好消息吧，”当事人吧了口气说，“是什么好消息？”

“你妻子没有要求将你未来的继承财产也划入裁决的范围。”

“那么坏消息呢？”

“离婚以后，她将与你父亲结婚。”

Good News And Bad News

\"There\'s good news and bad news,\" the divorce lawyer told his client.

\"I could sure use some good news,\" sighed the client.\"What\'s it?\"

\"Your wife isn\'t demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement.\"

\"And the bad news?\" \"After the divorce, she\'s marrying your father.\"

绝 配

一位富婆为拥有一只珍贵的古玩而深感骄傲，以至于她竟要把卧室漆成与花瓶同样的颜色。几名油漆匠试图调出这个底色，但是谁也没有能令那位怪癖的妇女满意。

最后来了位油漆匠。他非常自信能调出那种颜色。那妇女对他的成果非常满意，油漆匠于是一举成名。

多年以后，他退休了，生意也交给儿子。“爸，”儿子说，“有件事我得弄清楚，您是怎样使墙的颜色与花瓶配得那么绝的？”

“儿子，”父亲回答说，“我漆了花瓶。”

Perfect Match

A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase.Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.

Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color.The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.

Years later, he retires and truns the busine over to his son.\"Dad,\" says the son, \"there\'s something I\'ve got to know.How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?\"

\"Son,\" the father replies, \"I painted the vase.\"

耐 性

垂钓者：你已经盯着看了三个小时了，你干嘛不自己亲自钓呢？

旁观者：我没那耐性。

Patience

Angler: You\'ve been watching me for three hours now.Why don\'t you try yourself?

Onlooker: I haven\'t got the patience.

世界上最伟大的击剑手

在一场世界最佳击剑手表演中，排名第三的击剑手上场了。一只苍蝇放了出来，剑划了一个弧，他将苍蝇劈成了两半。观众欢呼起来。紧接着排名第二的人将一只苍蝇切成了四半。现场一阵沉默，人们期盼着世界上最伟大的击剑手出场。

他的剑锋以一个巨大的弧线划了下来－－然而那只昆虫还在继续飞行!观众被惊呆了。最伟大的击剑手完全错过了他的目标，然而他还在微笑着。

“你为什么这么高兴？”有人嚷道，“你没击中!”

“啊，”剑手答道，“你刚才没有很仔细地看。苍蝇还活着，是的－－但他永远也做不成爸爸了。”

The World\'s Greatest Swordsman

At an exhibition of the world\'s best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage.A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half.The crowd cheered.Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters.A hush fell in anticipation of the world\'s greatest swordsman.

His blade came down in a mighty arcbut he will never be a father.\"

只有一次

一位驯狮新手正在接受采访。“我知道你的父亲也是个驯狮手，”记者说。

“他过去是。”那人回答说。

“你真的把头伸进过狮子的嘴里吗？”

“只有一次，”那位驯狮新手说，“为了找我爸爸。”

Only Once

A novice lion tamer was being interviewed.\"I understand your father was also a lion tamer,\" the reporter queried.

\"Yes, he was,\" the man replied.

\"Do you actually put your head in the lion\'s mouth?\"

\"I did it only once,\" said the new tamer, \"to look for Dad.\"

追星族

从小时候起，我就一直被明星所深深吸引，因此不久以前当我在纽约第五大街上认出演员厄内斯特.波格尼向我迎面走过来时，我欣喜若狂，完全不知该说什么好。“怎么，你是厄内斯特.波格尼!”我想法迸出一句话来。

“是的，”他很有礼貌地点了点头，说道：“我知道。”

Starstruck

I have been starstruck since I was a little girl, so I was delighted and practically speechle not long ago when I spotted the actor Ernest Borgnine walking in my direction on New York\'s Fifth Avenue.\"Why, you\'re Ernest Borgnine!\" I managed to blurt out.

\"Yes,\" he said, nodding politely, \"I know.\"

用找了

有一天天气闷热，我将冰淇淋舀进锥筒，告诉我的四个小孩，他们可以从我这里用拥抱“购买”一筒。于是，孩子们马上排起了队来购买。较小的三个孩子每人很快的抱了我一下，抓过冰淇淋筒就跑到外面去了。最后轮到排在队尾十年的大儿子来“买”冰淇淋时，他拥抱了我二下。“不用找了，”他笑着说。

Keep the Change

One sweltering day, I was scooping ice cream into cones and told my four children they could \"buy\" a cone from me for a hug.Almost immediately, the kids lined up to make their purchases.The three youngest each gave me a quick hug, grabbed their cones and raced back outside.But when my teen-age son at the end of the line finally got his turn to \"buy\" his ice cream, he gave me two hugs.\"Keep the changes,\" he said with a smile.

缠住不放

丈夫打完高尔夫球回来，我们四岁的女儿莎拉在门口迎了上去。“爸爸，谁赢了高尔夫球比赛，是你还是理查叔叔？”

“我和理查叔叔打高尔夫球不是为赢，”丈夫推诿说。“我们打球只是为了好玩而已。”

莎拉毫不气馁，又问：“那么，爸爸，谁觉得更好玩呢？”

Persistance

Returning from a golf outing, my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter.\"Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?\"

\"Uncle Richie and I don\'t play golf to win,\" my husband hedged.\"We just play to have fun.\"

Undaunted, Sare said, \"Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?\"

款 待

我是新泽西州大西洋城警察局的一名新警察。我被指派巡逻一条海滨的路线，几乎每天都能碰上与父母走散的孩子。

一天下午，我发现一个小孩独自站在那里，显然是迷了路。我先是设法取得他的信任－我带他到附近的冰淇淋摊给他买了一个蛋筒。过了很长时间，也没看见他父母的影子，所以我就准备打电话叫辆巡逻车将他送回总部去。我告诉他站在那里别动，我去电话亭打电话。当我回来时，却发现他不知道到哪儿去了。

警车很快来了。一名警察问我小孩在哪里。我感觉自己傻极了，说自己弄丢了一个迷路的小孩，该多丢人啊！但我还是告诉了警察们所发生的一切，并描述了一下小孩的长相。“你请他吃了什么？”一名警察问。

“一个冰淇淋蛋筒。怎么啦？”

“因为，”那名警察说，“那个小孩住的地方离这儿只隔几个街区。而你大概是新警察中帮他买东西吃的第五个傻瓜蛋！”

Treat

As a rookie in the Atlantic City, N.J., Police department, I was aigned a beat on the boardwalk.Hardly a day went by when I didn\'t come upon a child who had become separated from his parents.

One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost.I tried to gain his confidence$45.\"

\"Why don\'t you order that, Mom?\" I asked.\"I know how much you like lobster.\"

She looked at me with the eyes of a skeptic and shook her head.\"How do they know they\'re really twins?\"

势均力敌

有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的厨房地板上窜过。她很害怕老鼠，所以她冲出屋子，搭上了公共汽车直奔商店。在那儿，她买了一只老鼠夹。店主告诉她：“放点奶酪在里面，很快你就会逮住那只老鼠的。”

这位女士带着鼠夹回到家里，但她没有在碗橱里找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店里去，因为已经很晚了。于是，她就从一份杂志中剪下一幅奶酪的图片放进了夹子。

令人称奇的是，这画有奶酪的图片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，这位女士下楼到厨房时，发现鼠夹里奶酪图片旁有一张画有老鼠的图片!

A Fine Match

One day a lady saw a mouse running acro her kitchen floor.She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops.There she bought a mousetrap.The shopkeeper said to her, \"Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse.\"

The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it.She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.

Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite succeful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

同样的服务

有位结婚十年的男人，正向婚姻顾问请教。

“新婚时我非常幸福。在市区的商店里累了一天，回到家里，小狗围着我又跑又叫，妻子忙给我拿来拖鞋。现在一切都变了。小狗给我叼来拖鞋，妻子对我又喊又叫。”

“我不知道你有什么可抱怨的，”顾问说，“你得到的服务还是同样的嘛。”

The Same Service

A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor.

\"When I was first married, I was very happy.I\'d come home from a hard day down at the shop, and my little dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring me my slippers.Now everything\'s changed.When I come home, my dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at me.\"

\"I don\'t know what you\'re complaining about,\" said the counselor, \"You\'re still getting the same service.\"

我还不认识她呢

一对夫妇在公园里散步，发现一对年轻的男女坐在一条长凳上，动情地接吻。

“你为什么不那么做呢？”妻子说。

“亲爱的，”丈夫回答说，“我还不认识那个女子呢!”

I Don\'t Know Her

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, paionately kiing.

\"Why don\'t you do that?\" said the wife.

\"Honey,\" replied her husband, \"I don\'t even know that woman!\"

班和笨驴

格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不见他的班级。”

一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”(la：姑娘)。

后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”(a：笨驴)。

Cla and A

Profeor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: \"Profeor Laurie will not meet his claes today.\"

A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the \"c\".

Later Profeor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the \"l\".

抄 袭

我有个朋友在圣路易斯的华盛顿大学教欧洲历史，他说有一次他发现了一篇抄袭的学期论文。他把那个学生叫到了办公室。“这不是你写的，”他说，“有人帮你从百科全书上原封不动地打印了下来。”

“你没有证据。”那学生气急败坏地说。

我朋友笑了，他把论文拿给他看。用红笔圈出来的是：“也可参阅共产主义一文。”

Plagiarism

A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St.Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper.He summoned the student to his office.\"This isn\'t your work.\" he said.\"Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia.

\"You cann\'t prove that!\" the student sputtered.

My friend amiled and show him the paper.Circled in red was: \"Also see article on communism.\"

美 德

获取研究生学位多年以后，我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20年来电梯一直没有换过。

最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。“你会拿到学位的，亲爱的，”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是一种美德。”

Virtue

Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member.One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency.I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.

When the door finally opened, I felt a compaionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me.\"You\'ll get that degree, dear,\" she whispered.\"Perseverance is a virtue.\"

区 别

“研究生班和本科生很容易就能区别开来，”在洛杉矶加利福利亚州立大学给我们研究生上工程学课的老师如此说。“我说„下午好‟，本科生们回答说„下午好‟。研究生们则把我说的话记在笔记本上。”

Difference

\"I can always tell a graduate cla from an undergraduate cla,\" observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles.\"When I say, \'Good afternoon,\' the undergraduates respond, \'Good afternoon.\" But the graduate students just write it down.\"

数学没及格

我儿子是印第安那市曼西尔波州立大学的学生，大学一年级就上了系主任的名单。第二年他学心理学，刚几个星期他就给家里打了个电话。

“妈妈，”他激动地说：“我找到了如何在大学里生存下去的答案!重要的不是分数，而是具备将学到的知识应用于日常生活的素质。我很幸运地有了这种奇妙的经历。”

“你到底是什么意思？”我问道。

“我数学没及格。”他回答说。

Flunking Math

My son, who made the dean\'s list in his freshman year at Ball State University in Muncie, Ind., called home a few weeks after starting his sophomore year as a psychology student.

\"Mom,\" he said excitely, \"I have found the answer to surviving college! It isn\'t the grades that are so important, but the quality of what is learned and how it is applied to daily life.I\'m lucky to be having these wonderful experiences!\"

\"And just what does this mean?\" I asked.

\"I\'m flunking math,\" he replied.

业余工作

我儿子在一所中学读二年级时，在一家超级市场找到了一份包装商品的业余工作。他满面笑容地回到了家。

“第一天感觉如何？”我问。

“好极了，爸爸。”他答道，“我跟许多漂亮的女孩子讲了话。”

由于斯蒂芬不善言谈，我问道：“你跟他们说了些什么？”

“你是喜欢纸包装还是塑料包装？”

Part-time Job

When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket.He came home all smiles.

\"How was your first day?\" I asked.

\"It was great, Dad,\" he replied.\"I got to talk to some good-looking girls.\"

Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, \"What did you say to them?\"

\"Do you prefer paper or plastic?\"

钥匙还是接吻

我的一位朋友在给一个成人学生班级上英语课。他们都是新近来美国生活的。在一张桌子上摆了许多日常用品之后，他请全班同学给他挑出尺子，书本，钢笔等。课进行得井然有序，学生们对自己所做的似乎很感兴趣，也很认真。后来轮到一名来自意大利的学生，我的朋友说：“给我钥匙。”那人看起来非常吃惊，也有点手足无措。看到这种情况，我的朋友想是他没有听清楚，于是又重复了一遍：“给我钥匙。”那位意大利学生耸了耸肩。接着，他伸出胳膊搂住老师的脖子在双颊上亲了两下。

Keys? Ki?

A friend of mine was giving an English leon to a cla of adult who had recently come to live in the United States.After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the cla to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on.The cla went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, \"Give me the kays.\" The man looked surprised and somewhat at a lo.Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn\'t heard him clearly, so he repeated.\"Give me the kays.\" The Italian shrugged his shoulders.Then, he threw his arms around the teacher\'s neck and kied him on both cheeks.

自己做好准备

校园里流传着这样的故事：一个学生一次给父母拍了一份电报，上面写着：“妈妈－我所有功课都不及格，被学校开除。让爸爸做好准备。”

两天以后，他收到了回电：“爸爸已准备好。你自己做好准备吧!”

Prepare Yourself

A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: \"Mom - flunked all courses.Kicked out of school.Prepare Pop.\"

Two days later he received a response: \"Pop prepared.Prepare yourself.\"

推荐第8篇：英文幽默小故事12则

英文幽默小故事12则

How do you know that? Bob: My car doesn\'t have a speedometer.

Rob: Then how do you know how fast you\'re going?

Bob: Well, when I\'m driving at 15 miles an hour, the fenders rattle; at 25 miles an hour, the windows rattle; and at 30, the motor starts knocking-and that\'s as fast as it\'ll go.

Sooner or later A thief with a long record was brought before the judge.

Judge: Have you ever stolen things?

Thief: Oh, now and then.

Judge: And where have you stolen these things?

Thief: Oh, here and there.

Judge: Right.Lock him up, officer.

Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail?

Judge: Oh, sooner or later.

Chief is at the wedding A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street.\"But officer,\" the man said, \"I can explain.\"

\"Just be quiet,\" snapped the officer.\"I\'m going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.\"

\"But ,officer, I ….\"

\"I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!\"

A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, \"You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter\'s wedding.He\'ll be in a good mood when he gets back.\"

\"Are you sure?\" answered the man in the cell.\"I\'m the groom.\"

Why he couldn\'t leave? There was a meeting with a large number of people.At first the speaker was very interesting, but as time went on, he became very boring.Finally when he was through, there was only one man sitting in the large room.

The speaker walked up to the man and said, \"Thank you for hearing me out when all the others left the room.\"

\"Oh! Don\'t mention it!\" replied the man, \"I cannot leave because I am the next speaker.\"

A burglar 入室盗窃者

A man went to the police office wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

\"You will get your chance in court.\" said the Desk Sergeant.

\"No, no, no.\" said the man.\"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.I\'ve been trying to do that for years.\"

One more cake The old lady was delighted with the gift the boy had brought her.

\"I\'ll go round and see your mother tomorrow,\" she said, \"And I\'ll thank for this lovely pie.\"

\"Um, if you don\'t mind,\" the boy said nervously, \"could you thank her for two pies?\"

Make Your Own Bed Farmer: If you want to spend the night here, you\'ll have to make your own bed.

Traveling salesman: That\'s perfectly all right.

Farmer: Here\'s a hammer and saw.Good night.

What does DC stand for? What does DC stand for?

An American teacher asked one of her pupils, \"What\'s the nation\'s capital?\"

The reply was \"Washington DC\"

On being asked what the \"DC\" stood for, the pupils all answered：

\"Dot com!\"

A poor poet 一名可怜的诗人

Poet: I hope you\'ve received the little volume of poems I sent you.

Woman: Oh, yes.It\'s very nice.I wonder where I\'ve put it?

Her son: It\'s under the leg of the table, Mom, to make it steady.

A Second Language 第二语言

A cat and her four kittens ran into a large dog.When the kittens cowered, the cat let out a series of loud barks, scaring the dog away.

Turning to her kittens, the cat said, \"You see how important it is to know a second language.\"

Accountant An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

\"Doctor, I just can\'t get to sleep at night.\"

\"Have you tried counting sheep? \"

\"That\'s the problem.I make a mistake and spend three hours trying to find it.\"

This is my seat It was a woman\'s first time on a plane.She boarded the plane and found herself a window seat.

After she settled in, a man came over and insisted that she was in his seat.She ignored him and told him to go away.

\"Okay,\" replied the man.\"If that\'s the way you want it, you fly the plane.\"

推荐第9篇：适合高一的英文幽默故事

1、一个女生前一天晚上得到男朋友的订婚戒指,但竟没有一个同学注意到,令她忿忿不平.到下午大家坐着谈天的时候,她突然站起来大声说：“哎呀,这里真热呀,我看我还是把戒指脱下来吧.”

1.the night before, a girl get boyfriend engagement ring, but no one noticed the clamate, make her antics.You sit and chat in the afternoon, she suddenly stood up and shouted: \"oh, it\'s really hot in here, I think I\'d better take off your ring.2、女主人把女佣叫到面前问她：“你是否怀孕了?”

“是啊!”女佣回道.

“亏你还说得出口,你还没有结婚,难道不觉得害羞吗?”女主人再次训.“我为什么要害羞,女主人你自己不也怀孕了吗?” “可是我怀的是我丈夫的!”女主人生气地反驳.

“我也是啊!”女佣高兴地附和.

2, the mistre called the maid to ask her: \"are you pregnant?\" \"Yes!\" The maid answered.Export \"kui you still say, you are not married, don\'t you feel shy?\" The hoste training again.\"Why should I be shy, you don\'t the hoste also pregnant?\" \"But I conceive is my husband!\" The hoste retorted angrily.\"Me too!\" The maid happy to echo.

3、一个人骑摩托车喜欢反穿衣服,就是把口子在后面扣上,可以挡风.一天他酒后驾驶, 翻了,一头栽在路旁.警察赶到：

警察甲：好严重的车祸.警察乙：是啊,脑袋都撞到后面去了.

警察甲：嗯,还有呼吸,我们帮他把头转回来吧.

警察乙：好.

一、二使劲,转回来了.

警察甲：嗯,没有呼吸了.3, a man riding a motorcycle like the dre, is to cut on the back, can the wind.Drunk driving one day, he turned over, a planted on the road.Police: police a: a good serious car accident.Policeman b: yes, his head hit the back.Po1: well, still breathing, let\'s help him turn his head back.Po2: good...One, two, turn back.Policeman a: well, not breathing...

4、在一条七拐八拐的乡村公路上,因为时常发生车祸,所以常常有一些鬼故事发生,有一天晚上,有一个出租车司机看见路边有一个长发披肩,身着白衣的女人向他招手,因为这个司机没有见过鬼,所以大胆的停下来让她上车了,这一路上,司机虽然不信有鬼,心里也毛毛的,所以时常从后视镜看后面的女人,开着开着,突然司机发现那个女人不见了!司机吓了一大跳,赶紧踩了一个刹车!只见那个女人满脸是血,表情狰狞.司机吓的牙直打颤.突然那女人开口了：“你会不会开车啊!我低头系个鞋带你突然一刹车我把鼻子都撞破了……”

4, turn in a curvy country road, because often in a car accident, so often have some ghost story, one night, there\'s a taxi driver saw the side of the road have a long hair shawls, dreed in a white woman waved to him, because the driver didn\'t see a ghost, so bold stopped to let her get on the bus, along the way, the driver doesn\'t believe in ghosts, the in the mind also maomao, so often the woman behind the rearview mirror to see, open open, the driver found the woman suddenly disappeared! The driver startled, hurriedly stepped on a brake! I saw the woman face is blood, grim expreion.The driver frighten of teeth chatter.Suddenly the woman spoke: \"would you drive! I bow to fasten shoelaces are you smashed through a sudden brake my nose...\"

5、一个病人去看病,医生检查了他,皱着眉头说：“您病得太严重了,恐怕不会活多久了.” 病人：“求您告诉我我还能活多久?” 医生：“十……” 病人着急地问：“十什么?十年?十个月?十天?” 医生：“十,九,八,七,六,五……”

5, a patient to see a doctor, the doctor examined him, frowning said: \"you too serious ill, I\'m afraid I won\'t live much longer.\" Patient: \"please tell me how long will I live?\" Doctor: \"ten...\" Patient anxiously asked: \"what? Ten years? Ten months? Ten days?\" Doctor: \"ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five...\"

6、老师：“你能说一些18世纪科学家共同特点吗?”

学生：“能,他们都死了.”

6, teacher: \"can you say some 18 th-century scientists common characteristics?\" Student: \"yes, they are all dead.\"

7、犀粪蜣和蚊子谈恋爱,蜣问蚊子是做什么工作的,蚊子说：“护士,打针的.”蜣一拍大腿：“缘分呐,我是中药局搓药丸的…”

7.rhino poop Qiang and mosquito fall in love, Qiang asked a mosquito is to do what work, the mosquito said: \"nurse, give or take an injection.\" Qiang a clap a thigh: \"the fate, I am a traditional Chinese medicine bureau rub pills...\"

8、一非洲人住在某一宾馆.夜半,起火,不明原因.非洲人见状顾不了那么许多,光着身子就跑出去了.消防员见状惊呼：“我的妈呀!都烧的糊了吧区的了还能跑那么快!”

8, the africans live in a hotel.In the midnight, a fire, unknown reason.Before rushing so many africans, naked and ran out.Firefighters said exclaimed: \"my mama ah! All paste the burned area can run so fast!\"

9、一个人想出国考察,但必须得到老总批准.于是他向老总请示,老总给了他一张字条,上面写着：“Go ahead”.那人想：“Go ahead=前进,老总是批准了.”于是他开始打点行李.一个同事见到了他问：“你在做什啊?”他说：“我准备出国考察,老总批准了,给我写了„Go ahead‟.” 同事一见条就乐了：“咱们老总根本就没批准!咱老总的英语水平你还不知道,他这是在说去个头!”

9, a person wants to go abroad, but it must be approved by bo.So he to the manager for instructions, the bo gave him a note, it read: \"Go ahead\".The man thought, \"Go ahead = progre, bo is approved.\" So he started to packing.A colleague to see he asked: \"what are you doing?\" He said: \"I\'m ready to Go abroad investigation, bo approved, wrote me \'Go ahead\'.\" Colleague of joy at the sight of article: \"let\'s bo haven\'t approved! Our bo English don\'t you know, he is said to head!\"

10、牧师对买了他马和马车的农夫说：“这匹马只能听懂教会的语言,叫\"感谢上帝\"它就跑;叫\"赞美上帝\"它才停下.”农夫将信将疑,他试着喊了一声感谢上帝,那匹马立刻飞奔起来,越跑越快.一只跑到悬崖边上惊恐的农夫才想起让它停下来的口令“赞美上帝”.果然,马停下来了.死里逃生的农夫长出一口气：“感谢上帝………”

10, priests to buy his horse and carriage of the farmer said, \"this horse can only understand the language of the church, call\" thank god \"it ran; called\" praise god \"it didn\'t stop.\" Farmer track, he tried to thank god gave a cry, the horse gallop, immediately ran faster and faster.A run to the edge of the cliff frightened farmer remembered that let it stop paword \"praise god\".Sure enough, the horse stopped.Close the farmer grows a sigh: \"thank god.\"

推荐第10篇：螃蟹和妈妈英文幽默故事

\"My child,\" said a Crab to her son, \"why do you walk so awkward? If you wish to make a good appearance, you should go straight forward, and not to one side as you do so constantly.\"

\"I do wish to make a good appearance, Mamma\" said the young Crab; “and if you will show me how, I will try to walk straight forward.\"

\"Why, this is the way, of course,\" said the mother, as she started off to the right, \"No, this is the way,\" said she, as she made another attempt, to the left.

The little Crab smiled.\"When you learn to do it yourself, you can teach me,\" he said, and he went back to his play.

“我的孩子，”螃蟹妈妈对儿子说，“你怎么走起路来这么难看呢?要想看起来像模像样,你就应该径直朝前走，而不是像你一样总是朝一边走。”

“我真希望能像模像样,妈妈.”小螃蟹说，”如果你能教我怎么做，我就会努力之朝前走.”

“哎呀，当然了，就是这样!”妈妈说着，一边就开始朝右边走。

“不，是这样的啦!”她说，一边又朝左边来。

螃蟹笑了，说：“等你自己学会了再来教我吧!”然后，他就回去玩了。

第11篇：初中励志又幽默的英文演讲稿

我写的搞笑的英文演讲稿 once god came up two me & granted me a dream to be realize.i asked 4 world peace.that’s impoible, he said. 有一次上帝来到我面前答应了实现我一个梦想。我说我要世界和平。“那是不可能的”他说。

then i asked him to give you brains.he said, let me try world peace. 然后我请让你变聪明。他说：“你还是让我试试让世界和平吧。”篇2：中学生励志英语演讲稿 honorable judges and dear friends, my name is maer dongyan, i’m very happy today to stand here to share my speech, my imagination, and my story as an air traffic controller with all of you.i, as a 35-year-old air traffic controller, have been working on the tower for nearly ten years. however, it has been really hard to coordinate my work and my family. it’s generally considered great to be an air traffic controller by the public, for the job is believed to be well-paid and quite easy.i was also one of them before i started the work.but things have been entirely different from what i used to think.as an air traffic controller of the new century, we’re facing tasks and barriers greater and harder than ever, that is, we have to ensure the safety and order of the fast-developing civil aviation.we’re burdened with preure, responsibilities, the trust of hundreds of pilots, the lives of tens of thousands of paengers, and the hopes of millions of families.every step we take, every word we say is connected to the safety of paengers.and disasters may occur if we’re even a little bit carele.then, how can that be easy? daughter once said that it was her happiest time to see me back from work.and it’s the same with me.i’m pleased and grateful to see that my family can support and understand my work and my little devotion to them. such is my job, though i cannot enjoy much of the happine my family brings to me, i can experience the sense of responsibility through my work.i’ll never regret this, regret choosing my job.it is through these years that i know what responsibility and devotion really mean.and it is through these years that i realize what family really means to me---supporting and understanding.i really appreciate them. that’s all for my speech today, thank you very much for your listening.篇3：初中3分钟励志英语演讲稿

初中3分钟励志英语演讲稿 you will no longer fear making new sounds, showing new facial expreions, using your body in new ways,approaching new people, and asking new questions.you will live every single day of your life with absolute paion, and you will show your paion through the words you speak and the actions you take.you will focus all your time and effort on the most important goals of your life.you will never succumb to challenges of hardships.you will never waver in your pursuit of excellence.after all,you are the best, and you deserve the best! as your coach and friend, i can aure you the door to all the best things in the world will open to you, but the key to that door is in your hand.you must do your part, you must faithfully follow now stand firm and tall, make a fist, get excited, and yell it out: i must do it! i can do it! i will do it! i will succeed! i must do it! i can do it! i will do it! i will succeed! i must do it! i can do it! i will do it! i will succeed!篇4：2014初中英语励志演讲稿 2014初中英语励志演讲稿

演讲稿一：初中英语励志演讲稿——attitude the longer i live, the more i realize the impact of attitude on life.attitude to me is more important than facts. the remarkable thing is we have a choice every day, regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. we cannot change our past.we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.we cannot change the inevitable. the only thing we can do is play on the one stage we have.and that is our attitudes.i am convinced that life is ten percent what happens to me ,and ninety percent how i react to it.and so it is with you. we are in charge of our attitudes. 演讲稿二：初中英语励志演讲稿 hello, ladies and gentlemen.im angela zhang from cla 4 grade 8.today, my topic is, the shanghai world expo. on december3, 2002, the bureau of international expositions (or call it bie) announced that shanghai will host expo.the bie had received bids from five cities to host expo.among the 5 nice cities, the bie chose shanghai at last! its really an exciting news for not only shanghainese, but also all of chinese people.here are some details about it. look at this profile carefully.the title is the world exposition ,shanghai, china .this is the logo. and the theme is better city., better life.ok, lets gue who is the image representative? yeah, youre right, yao ming! 演讲稿三：初中英语励志演讲稿 dear teacher and clamates: i am very glad to make a speech here in this cla again! this time, i\\d like to talk something about english. when i was seven, my mother sent me to an english school.at there, i played games and sang english songs with other children .then i discovered the beauty of the language, and began my colorful dream in the english world. everyday, i read english following the tapes.sometimes, i watch english cartoons. on the weekend, i often go to the english corner.by talking with different people there, i have made more and more friends as well as improved my oral english.i hope i can travel around the world someday.i want to go to america to visit washington monument, because the president washington is my idol.of course, i want to go to london too, because england is where english language developed.if i can ride my bike in cambridge university, i will be very happy. i hope i can speak english with everyone in the world.i\\ll introduce china to them, such as the great wall, the forbidden city and anshan. i know, rome was not built in a day.i believe that after continuous hard study, one day i can speak english very well. if you want to be loved, you should learn to love and be lovable.so i believe as i love english everyday , it will love me too. 演讲稿四：初中英语励志演讲稿——believe ourselves confidence,which is not only the faith in your abilities, but also the faith of pursuit of firm target in yourself, is the first secret of succe.with it, you can go toward the shore of victory.when at a low ebb of the chinese revolution, mao zedong believed that a single spark can start a prairie fire.chenyi believed repeated action can not take off he was confident.in short, self-confidence refers to the navigation towards victory, as is the driving force of progre. achievements, but it was just a flash in the pan.xiang yu in the struggle played there is a poem written by langston hughes hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird. that can never fly. hold fast to dreams, for if dreams go, life is a barren field, frozen with snow.how beautiful it is.yes, we shouldn’t give up our dreams.we shouldn’t give in to the large preure on the way to realize our dreams. how shall we do? robert h.goddard gave us the answer, “it is difficult to say which is impoible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and reality of tomorrow” youth is not a time of life，it is a state of mind; it is not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips and supple knees， it is a matter of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions.it is the freshne of the deep springs of life. youth means a tempera-mental predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.this often exists in a man of 60 more than a boy of 20.nobody grows old merely by a number of years.we grow old by deserting our ideals. years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.worry, fear, self-distrust bows the heart and turns the spring back to dust.whether 60 or 16, there is in every human being’s heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing childlike appetite of what’s next and the joy of the game of living.in the center of your heart and my heart there is a wirele station: so long as it receives meages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage and power from men and from the infinite, you and i will remain young. when the aerials are down, and your spirit is covered with snows of cynicism and the ice of peimism, then you are grown old, even at 20, but as long as your aerials are upto catch waves of optimism, there is hope you may have young heart at 80. 青春不是生命的一瞬，它是一种自然的心境；青春不是如花的脸庞、鲜红的嘴唇和健康柔润

的双腿，它是一

种意志、想象、精力，更是生命中那生机勃勃的春天。 青春是冲动的勇敢而不是懦弱,青春是挑战的欲望而不是安逸的生活。即使年过花甲,仍壮心不已.没有人痴长

百岁,而伴随着的是我们抛却幻想,锤炼生活的经历。

岁月让我们的皮肤起了皱纹,但缺乏激情会让我们的灵魂萎缩。焦虑、恐惧、缺乏自信则让心稽首，更让心灵

的青春尘封

无论60岁还是16岁，我们每个人都有着天生的好奇心、孩子般刨根追底不厌其烦的渴求欲望、幻想游戏人生 的生活方式。在你我心中有着心灵的默契：只要我们的心还能从人们的身上和大自然的怀抱中感受到美丽、

希望、快乐、勇气和力量，那么我们依旧年轻无限。

当幻想破灭，而你愤世嫉俗，对生活充满悲观情绪，那么你已经老了。即使在20岁的时候，只要你积极乐观的追求你心中的幻想，一直到永远，那么你在80岁的时候仍有一颗永保青春的心。

第12篇：英文小故事哲理篇与幽默篇

哲理篇

The Help from the God A small village came into a very large storm, and floods began to submerge the whole village.A priest prayed in the church when the flood submerged his knees． Lifeguard came to the church driving a sampan： \"Father, come here as soon as poible！Otherwise you will drown in the flood！\" The priest said： \"No！I am confident that God will save me, please go to save others．\" But soon, the water rose to the priest’s chest, and the priest had to stand on the altar． At this time, a police drove to the priest with a speedboat：\"Father, hurry up, otherwise you will be drowned！\" The priest said： \"No, I would like to keep my church.I believe that God will save me．You’d better to save others.\" After a while, the floods have submerged the entire church.The priest had no choice but to firmly grasp the top of the Cro Church．A helicopter flied over slowly, and the pilot dropped a rope ladder：\"Father, hurry up, this is the last chance! \" But the priest said: \"No, I would like to keep my church！God will save me．”The stubborn priest was finally drowned.In the heaven, the priest asked the God angrily：\"Lord, I devoted my whole life to serving you, why you refuse to help me！\" God said：\" The first time, I sent a sampan to rescue you, but you didn’t get on .I think you are not satisfied with the sampan；the second time, I sent a speedboat, you refuse it again；the third time, I send a helicopter to rescue you, but also you are unwilling to accept it.Therefore, I thought you wanted to come back to my side.\" In fact, there are many obstacles in life chiefly coming from our stubbornne and ignorance．When others give us a hand, do not forget, only we accept it, can they help us！！！

God\'s Coffee A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old profeor.Conversation soon turned into complaints about stre in work and life.The profeor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an aortment of cupstelling them to help themselves.When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the profeor said: \"If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, while the plain and cheap ones are left on the table.It is normal for you to have only the best for yourselves, which is the source of your problems and stre.Be aured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee.In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups...And then you began eyeing each other\'s cups.Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups.They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live.Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us.\" God brews the coffee, not the cups..........Enjoy your coffee! \"The happiest people don\'t have the best of everything.They just make the best of everything.\" Live simply.Love generously.Care deeply.Speak kindly.Leave the rest to God.

Pebbles and diamonds

\"Why do we have to learn about these usele things?\"

This is what teachers have heard students complain about most commonly.In such cases, we may tell the students such a fable:

One night, a group of nomadic tribes of herdsmen was preparing to break camp, all of a sudden, a bunch of bright light shrouded.They knew that God would be there, so that they looked forward to getting wishes from God. God began to speak: \"You have to collect along the way a number of pebbles.Tomorrow night, you will be very happy, but you can also be regretted.\" Then God disappeared.Herdsmen were very disappointed, because they would look forward to God to bring them untold wealth and health and longevity, but they did not expect that God had told them to do all these meaningle things.However, in any case, after all, that was God\'s will, although there were some diatisfaction, they were still picking over some stones,

In this way, they took a day, when night fell, they camped.All of a sudden, they found that all the pebbles they picked had turned into diamonds.They were delighted, at the same time, they felt very sorry, and regretted that they did not collect more pebbles.

Now we feel that knowledge is usele, like pebbles, in the future, they may become endle wealth.

Sand and Stone The story goes that two friends were walking through the desert.During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.

The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: \"Today my best friend slapped me in the face.\"

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.

After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: \"Today my best friend saved my life.\"

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, \"After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now you write on a stone.Why?\"

The other friend replied: \"When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgivene can erase it away.But when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.\"

The Nail

There was a little boy with a bad temper.His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.

Then it gradually dwindled down.He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn\'t lose his temper at all.He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days paed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.He said, \"You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence.The fence will never be the same.When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.It won\'t matter how many times you say I\'m sorry, the wound is still there.A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed.They make you smile and encourage you to succeed.They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.Show your friends how much you care.

Five Keys in life In May, 2001, American Nevada state Madison middle school’s entrance examination set such a topic: On the Bill Gates desk there are 5 locked drawers, respectively representing wealth, interest, happine, honor, and succe.Gates always only have one key, and the other 4 are locked in the drawers.Which key does Gates take? One immigrated mainland student had flustered after he saw this topic, because he did not know whether it was a language question or a mathematics one.When the test finished, he asked his guarantor.The director told him that the answer was not in the books, and there were no standard answers.The mainland student got 9 points.He didn’t answer the question, but the teacher believed that, at least he was honest.At last, we know which key Gates takes in Gates’ writing in reply for this school.What does he write? The letter reads: the secret of your life is hiding behind what you are interested in.

幽默篇

A Fine Match

One day a lady saw a mouse running acro her kitchen floor.She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops.There she bought a mousetrap.The shopkeeper said to her, \"Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse.\"

The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it.She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.

Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite succeful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

He Was Only Wrong by Two

Jack Hawkins was the football coach at an Amercian college, and he was always trying to find good players, but they weren‘t always smart enough to be accepted by the college.

One day the coach brought an excellent young player to the dean of the college and asked that the student be allowed to enter without an examination.\"Well,\" the dean said after some persuasion, \"I‘d better ask him a few questions first.\"

Then he turned to the student and asked him some very easy questions, but the student didn‘t know any of the answers.

At last the dean said, \"Well, what‘s five times seven?\"

The student thought for a long time and then answered, \"Thirty-six.\"

The dean threw up his hands and looked at the coach in despair, but the coach said earnestly, \"Oh, please let him in, sir! He was only wrong by two.\"

Napoleon Was Ill

Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history profeor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university.However, his father decided that he would go to see the profeor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.

\"He‘s a good boy,\" said Jack‘s father, \"and if you let him pa this time, I‘m sure he‘ll improve a lot next year and pa the examinations at the end of it really well.\"

\"No, no, that‘s quite impoible,\" replied the profeor immediately.\"Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn‘t know!\"

\"Please, sir, give him another chance,\" said Jack‘s father.\"You see, I‘m afraid we don‘t take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill.\"

Be Careful What You Wish For

A couple had been married for 25 years and they were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.

During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world.The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband‘s turn.He paused for a moment, then said shyly, \"Well, I‘d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.\"

The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

Midway Tactics

Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall.Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.

The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, \"Gigantic Sale!\" and \"Super Bargains!\" The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, \"Prices Slashed!\" and \"Fantastic Discounts!\" The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, \"ENTRANCE\".

That man knows the future Nasreddin was cutting a branch of a tree in his garden.While he was sawing, another man paed in the street.He stopped and said, \'Excuse me, but if you continue to saw that branch like that, you will fall down with it.\' He said this because Nasreddin was sitting on the branch and cutting it at a place between himself and the trunk of the tree.

Nasreddin said nothing.He thought, \'This is some foolish person who has no work to do and goes about telling other people what to do and what not to do.\' The man continued on his way.

Of course, after a few minutes, the branch fell and Nasreddin fell with it.

\'My God!\' he cried.\'That man knows the future!\' and he ran after him to ask how long he was going to live.But the man had gone.

A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.\"What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?\" \"I gave it to a poor old woman,\" he answered.\"You\'re a good boy,\" said the mother proudly.\"Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?\" \"She is the one who sells the candy.\"

Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home.At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.Now, he asked, \"What\'s the meaning of the word \'Drunk\', dad?\" \"Well, my son,\" his father replied, \"look, there are standing two policemen.If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.\" \"But, dad,\" the boy said, \"There’s only ONE policeman!\"

Hospitality The hoste apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese.The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest\'s plate.The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: \"You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny.Where did you find the cheese?\" \"In the rat-trap, sir,\" replied the boy.

How many children will I have Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies.The nurse comes up to the first man and says, \"Congratulations, you got twins.\" The man said \"How strange, I\'m the manager of Minnesota Twins.\" After a while the nurse comes up to the second man and says, \"Congratulations, you got triplets.\" Man was like \"Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the \"3 musketeers.\" Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says \"Congratulations, you got twins x2.\" Man is happy and says, \"Ironic, I work for the hotel \"4 Seasons.\" All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall.They asked him what\'s wrong and he answered, \"What\'s wrong? I work for 7up\"!

You\'re not going to make it

Gravely ill, a man went to the doctor with his wife.After the examination the physician motioned for the wife to meet him in the hallway.

\"Your husband is very sick,\" the doctor said, \"but there are three things you can do to ensure his survival.First, fix him three healthful, delicious meals a day.Next, give him a stre-free environment, and don\'t complain about anything.Finally, make paionate love to him every day.

On the drive home the husband asked, \"What did the doctor say?\" \"I\'m sorry,\" she said, \"but you\'re not going to make it.

A lawyer\'s dog A lawyer\'s dog， running about unleashed， beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.Butcher goes to lawyer\'s office and asks， “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store，do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog\'s owner?” The lawyer answers， “Absolutely.”“Then you owe me $8.50.Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”The lawyer， without a word， writes the butcher a check for $8.50.Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

Time to a pig One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads to see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living.The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree.The city man said to the farmer,\" I see that your pig likes apples, but isn’t that quite a waste of time?\" The farmer replied,\" What’s time to a pig.”

The brave heart

A millionaire called on all the bachelors in the city to his home , and take them to a big pool where lived some crocodiles”I want to find a brave heart, let me see who dare to jump into this pool and swim to the other side--------he will be my son-in-low, get all my fortune and my beautiful daughter.”Sex! But„„Every man looked at each other, with a pale and red face.None dare.Suddenly, with a “PUTON”,a bachelor jumped into the water, God! He swam towards the other side at a crazy speed! And at the very lighting speed, he touched the side, and climbed on without even awaking the crocodiles!

The millionaire goes ahead and holds his hand: Congratulations! What a brave heart! I suppose U want to my daughter so much!

“Not at all!”the guy cried,”I just want to know who son of a bitch pushed me into the poor just now!!”

第13篇：试试回答这些风趣幽默的英文问题

风趣幽默的英文问题，让你回答不上来

If we say, we are here to help others, what are the others here for?

How can you be \'all ears\' to something when you have just two? You should be \'both ears\'! How can you \'lend\' someone a helping hand when you can\'t take it out?

Does one of your socks have a hole in it? Actually, both the socks are bound to have one hole each - one through which you put your foot inside!

Why do people ask, \"going up?\" even when they see you are standing at level 0 waiting for the elevator?

If a bus stops at a bus station, does your work stop at your workstation?

If it is illegal to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, how do monkeys and apes still exist?

What treatment would you seek if you were addicted to therapy?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what do you think it is expanding into?

Why are boxing rings square-shaped?

What\'s wrong in saying that there\'s nothing wrong in going wrong once in a while but it\'s very They accidentally step on your foot, then ask, \"did that hurt?\" Why?

Do you twist your tongue while saying a tongue twister?

Don\'t you think the eyes must be jealous of the nose for not letting them see each other?

What\'s the need to ask \"what are you doing here?\", on meeting at a movie theater?

If Iceland has ice, does Finland have fins?

What\'s the point in asking a waiter, \"is that dish good?\" Which waiter would say it isn\'t!

Aren\'t the ears already outside? So why say \'keep an ear out...\'?

Why do people ask, \"were you sleeping?\" on waking you up from sleep?

How would you know if the dictionary had a wrongly spelled word?

Why do people say \"you know...\" How would you know before they complete?

What if a wrong number is busy? You would never know it\'s wrong!

What would you call the fear of fears?

What\'s the point in saying \"what are you saying?\" when you know what\'s being said!

第14篇：英文幽默笑话二则：中国空姐吓傻老外

体验式英语教育先锋美联英语

英文幽默笑话二则：中国空姐吓傻老外

老外问： What is this?

空姐答： Cake China ( 馒头 )

老外问： What is this?

空姐答： Pizza China ( 馅饼 )

老外问： What is this?

空姐答： Salad China ( 黄瓜 )

这时空姐放了一个屁

老外又问： What is this?

空姐妙答： Air China ( 中国民航 )

文化差异在任何地方都得到体现。

一个台湾人出国，海关要求打开行李检查，发现有七条内裤，奇怪问原因 台湾人回答：\" Sunday、Monday、Tuesday ...Saturday \"

官员明白是一天一条。

接着来了个法国人，官员要求打开行李检查发现有五条内裤，奇怪问原因 法国人回答：\" Monday、Tuesday、Wednesday、Thursday、Friday \" 星期六，日如何？NO WEAR。

官员明白法国人浪漫，星期六、日是不穿的。

接着来了个印度人，检查发现有十二条内裤，

官员大惑不解，忙问如何？

印度人慢悠悠回答：\" January、February、March、April .......\"

更多学习资料请见美联英语学习网

第15篇：幽默

跑步比赛

学校运动会，我是终点记录员。男子一万米长跑快到终点时，第二名大喊：―前面那位帅哥！‖第一名果然回头……

结果，原本的第一名变成了第二名。

无题

―看新闻了吗？鲁迅的儿子姓周！‖

―鲁迅是笔名，本人姓周。‖

―你蒙谁呢！周迅是女的！‖

你瞎了

繁华的市区发生交通意外，两辆小轿车迎面相撞。其中一名司机怒气冲冲地大叫：―你瞎了吗？‖

另一名司机不甘被辱，反唇相讥：―谁说的？我不是把你撞个正着吗？‖

退休专家

一批老同学都已近退休年龄，同学会上，5年前提早退休的黄胖成为众人咨询的对象。

同学们问：―退休生活好吗？‖

黄胖回答：―前4年很好，很清静。‖

大伙不明白了，为什么只有前4年很清静，第5年发生了什么呢？

黄胖叹了口气说：―第5年我老婆也退休了！‖

冲昏头脑

一对夫妻吵架时，妻子生气地说：―我嫁给你时，完全是个傻瓜！‖

丈夫：―是的，我当时沉醉在爱中，就没注意到这一点。‖

有多美

今天，哥们儿给我发了一条短信，说：―在公共汽车上看美女，坐过站了。‖

我回了一条：―有多漂亮？‖

他回复：―我坐过了4站……‖

有缘人

甲女：经人介绍，我连续相亲10次，终于遇到一个有缘的人。

乙女：你们怎么有缘？

甲女：他就是我第一次相亲的对象！

区别

―你说福尔摩斯和柯南的区别是什么？‖

―一个大人一个小孩吧……‖

―傻瓜，福尔摩斯是哪儿死人去哪儿，柯南是去哪儿哪儿死人。‖

恶性循环

星期四忧郁症症状如下：不想动，一动就觉得累，一累就想睡觉，一想睡觉就觉得自己不长进，一觉得自己不长进就悲伤，一悲伤就不想动，一动就觉得累，一累就想睡觉……

你有这症状吗？

千古绝对

有一千古对联，苏轼及后人都没能对上：游西湖，提锡壶，锡壶掉西湖，惜乎锡壶。

谁知一日在物理课堂上，被一学子对出，他的下联是：听物理，如雾里，雾里看物理，勿理物理。

打坐

禅师端坐云台，每日参禅打坐，风雨无阻。

有仰慕者问禅师：―为何每日要端坐4个时辰，可有什么玄妙法门？‖禅师淡然道：―前两个时辰，磨洗心境，洗脱凡尘。‖

―那后两个时辰呢？‖

―腿麻了，站不起来，要缓缓……‖

梦想

酒桌上，两个朋友谈起了梦想的话题。

格林：―20岁时，我真想像我妈认为的那么帅；到了30岁时，我真想像儿子认为的那么有钱。‖

布朗：―老兄，你现在已经40岁了啊。‖

格林：―是啊，现在我真想像老婆认为的那样，在外面特别受女人欢迎。‖

失眠的原因

任何环境，老爸只需闭上眼睛，两分钟内准能呼呼大睡，老爸说这是长期训练的成果。

我问：―你怎么训练的？‖

―每当你妈妈啰啰嗦嗦，我就装睡，装着装着就真的睡着了。‖老爸回答。

―那你上一次失眠是什么时候？‖我问。

―结婚周年纪念那夜。‖老爸答道。

―是不是庆祝活动太丰富，开心得睡不着？‖

老爸道：―是因为我躺在床上想，唉，这才过了一年。‖

兔子和熊

一只兔子进了一个咖啡馆，要了一个甜面包和一杯咖啡。他把面包和咖啡放到座位上以后，就去洗手了。等他回来时，咖啡不见了。

―谁喝了我的咖啡?‖兔子问。

无人应声。于是兔子提高嗓门又问了一遍，语气中充满了威胁:―谁喝了我的咖啡?‖

突然，一头黑熊站了起来，理直气壮地说:―是我!‖

―您为什么不连面包也吃了呢?‖兔子满脸堆笑地说。

穿越服务

我要去俄罗斯出差，打电话到联通问：―我要去前苏联，漫游费是怎么算的？‖

联通妹纸愣了愣，严肃的回答：―对不起先生，我们暂不提供穿越业务！‖

妻管严

一小姑娘在包里装的一瓶香水小样盖子掉了，公交车里香气四溢。

小姑娘拿纸巾开始擦自己的包，大家开始看笑话。

突然，坐在小姑娘旁边的大叔脸色大变，指着小姑娘说：―你，你，你，你让人家怎么回家？‖

左撇子

―我再也受不了我女朋友了，她搅拌咖啡的时候和别人都不一样，居然用左手。‖

―嘿，听着，这没什么，她是个左撇子，我妻子也是。‖

―可是，别人都用勺子啊！‖

钢琴

一男子来到医院精神病科：大夫，我老婆总以为自己是钢琴，我该怎么办？大夫：那你还不把她带来？男子：你是不是精神有毛病？我一个人怎么能抬动钢琴？

领导的特征

唐僧师徒四人坐在草地上休息，两个小妖远远的观望着。

小妖A对B说：―大王叫我们抓唐僧，却不知这四个哪个才是？‖B道：―我也不认识，不过听说唐僧是这四人的领导，就跟咱大王一样！‖A松了口气：―你早说嘛，领导的特征太明显了！‖于是，猪八戒被抓走了。

人不可貌相

单位要分房，老婆催小王请局长吃饭联络感情。小王不会说场面话，老婆点拨他，局长业余时间爱写作。

饭桌上，小王说：―局长是文学爱好者，我拜读了您不少大作！‖

局长嘴上谦虚，自得之色溢于言表。

小王一看有戏，趁热打铁继续，他望着又黑又胖的局长，脱口而出：―真是人不可貌相啊！‖

跟你一辈子

英语老师为了强调词汇积累的重要性，就说：―一个单词用十遍，这个词就会跟你一辈子。‖

教室最后一排的女生闻言忽然念叨起来：―money money money…‖

相亲

有一个小伙子特吝啬，多次相亲都没成，父母很着急。

这天，又委托媒人领着他去一位姑娘家相亲。

相亲后，小伙子没有表态，媒人问：―怎么样，相中没有？‖小伙子说：―就是嘴太大了，嘴唇太厚。‖

媒人说：―这有什么不好吗？‖―当然了，化起妆来多浪费口红啊。‖

追悼会

某人搓麻将成瘾，死在了麻将桌上…儿子写了一篇悼词：老爸，昨天你两眼还像二饼，今天就成了二条，不知东南西北风哪个把你嘿害了！您的追悼会开得很隆重，清一色尽是你的麻友，大家排成一条龙与你告别，每人给你献了一束杠上花。你一生都想发财，结果仍是个白板。今天你终于和了！

今天是母亲节

这天早晨，孩子问爸爸：―爸爸，今天怎么是你做早餐呢？妈妈生病了吗？‖

爸爸道：―宝贝，今天是母亲节呀！‖

孩子疑惑地问道：―哦，那其他日子，都是父亲节吗？‖

悲剧

甲：―给我讲个悲剧故事吧。‖

乙：―男人结扎后，妻子流产了。‖

甲：―有没有更悲剧的？‖

乙：―男人结扎后，第二年妻子怀孕了。‖ 很安全

由于家里的脏乱差已经达到相当的标准，老婆从来不敢叫朋友来家里玩。可丈夫却热情地请他的朋友来。老婆嫌丢脸就躲出去，回来问他：―怎么，你朋友有没有被吓到？‖丈夫不以为然地说：―没有呀，他还夸咱家很安全。‖―安全？‖―对呀，他说万一在咱家摔倒了一定不会摔伤，因为只会倒在衣服和废纸上。‖

各有各说

一个抽烟抽了大半辈子的奶奶说：―孙女啊，以后嫁人千万别嫁戒过烟的啊。‖我很纳闷，为什么呀？她说：―戒过烟的男人心狠啊，你想想，香烟都能戒了，还什么狠不出来的！‖

邂逅

新学期化学课换了个老师，上课十多分钟了，老师还没到，于是哥几个决定翘课上网吧打游戏。 来到网吧，里面只有一个人，于是搭讪道：哥们，也出来玩啊。 那人：是啊，讨厌化学！ 同学：你也讨厌化学啊。 他答：嗯，工资太少不想教了。

加班

国内某公司招了一个日本人当运营总监，上班第一天就对下属说：―我是个加班狂，希望大家配合我。‖一个月之后他回日本了，最后一句话是：―你们这样加班是不人道的。‖

清理病毒

一直在外面忙，老婆打电话告诉我：―亲爱的，你的QQ有病毒，我帮你清理了。‖我问：―病毒啊，怎么清理的？‖老婆回答说：―嘿嘿，我手动清理的。‖今天我一登录，发现少了30多个QQ好友，都是女的。

固定工作

六岁的小芳很可爱，常常有班上的男生向她求婚。有一天，小芳回家后跟妈妈说：―妈妈，今天小强向我求婚，要我嫁给他……‖妈妈漫不经心地说：―他有固定的工作吗？‖小芳想了想说：―他是我们班上负责擦黑板的。‖

父母的心愿

父母一直都想住一套大房子，为了满足二老的心愿，我租了一套120平米的房子，告诉父母是自己买的，然后接他们来住。后来公司要我到外地出差，3个月后快回家时，父母来电话要给我一个惊喜。当我一推开家门，呆了：房子精装修了……

婚礼

今天我告诉老爸要去参加婚礼，真巧，老爸也要去参加婚礼。出于好奇，我就多嘴问他去哪儿，老爸遂告诉我地址。居然和我去的是同一个地方！我俩拿出喜帖打开一看：新郎是老爸同学，新娘是我同学。

打卡机

某男被家长命令去和一女子相亲。之后，此女的手机每天早上都会收到短信：―我上班了。‖傍晚又会收到短信：―我下班了。‖

一天，此女愤怒地回短信说：―当我是打卡机啊！‖

报答

一对年轻夫妻，老公说：―亲爱的，以后我出门上班，你要说‗恭送老公‘，下班回家你要说‗臣妾叩见老公，祝老公万福金安！‘‖老婆不屑，说―你想得美，天天让我跪着给你请安，那你准备怎么报答我？‖老公皱着眉头想了半天，然后一本正经说：―我保证今后只翻你一个人的牌子。‖

朋友

一朋友大连人，平时管―热‖说―ye‖，读四声。一天在饭店吃饭，有一个菜有点凉了，喊服务员说―把这个给我ye一下‖，服务员没有反应，朋友提高了声音说―给这个ye一下！‖服务员还是没动弹，哥们火了喊道：―我让你ye一下不好使啊？‖这时服务员气呼呼的冲着我朋友伸出了V字形手势，喊了声―耶！

我先来

学校里排队打开水，轮到一个漂亮女生，保温杯盖拧了半天拧不开，于是转身对后面一个男生说：―同学,我杯盖拧不开了……‖结果，男生淡淡地说：―哦，那你慢慢拧，我先打水了……‖

叫爸爸

朋友喜得贵子。儿子刚学说话时，他天天对儿子说:―叫爸爸。‖

儿子跟着学，也说:―叫爸爸。‖

久而久之，儿子养成习惯，见了他便说:―叫爸爸。‖

他没办法，开始纠正，现在天天对儿子说:―爸爸。‖

请问老板

我今年23岁，有―个交往一年的女朋友。以上海丈母娘的最低标准，至少需要150平方米左右的房子，加上一辆10万元左右的小车，还要加上房子装修、婚礼、聘礼等，如果按照我现在的工资标准，我大概可以在400年后跟我的女友结婚。虽然《惊情四百年》是部很不错的电影，但我暂时还不想上演真人版，所以请问老板，什么时候可以给我加工资?

跑题

厨师把鸡鸭鱼牛羊猪召集起来，很热情地说:―今天我们充分发扬民主，你们说说喜欢怎样被人吃掉?‖众皆不语。只有牛欲言又止的样子。厨师说:―说吧，不要拘束，发扬民主就是要畅所欲言!‖于是牛说:―其实我们不想被人吃掉!‖厨师笑着说:―你看你，一开口就跑题了。‖

哪只是公的

牛给驴出了一个难题，问―蠢‖字下面两只虫子哪只是公的，哪只是母的。驴绞尽脑汁，还是答不上来。牛骂道:―真是头蠢驴，男左女右嘛!‖

拖延症

A：我的拖延症越来越厉害了。

B:这毛病治不好吗?

A：据说有人研究过，发现拖延症很难根治。

B:为什么?

A：因为大多数患者拖着不肯治。

喜忧难辨

―个人找算命先生，问:―先生，我听说左眼跳财右眼跳灾，可是我今天两只眼晴―起跳，到底预示着什么啊?‖算命先生捋捋胡须道:―嗯……你的人身意外伤害险快派上用场了。‖

四大皆空

―中国佛教史‖考试，―哥们交了白卷，结果满分。问老师，答曰:四大皆空。第二年这哥们的室友选这课，考试也交了白卷。但交完后他心里非常忐忑，怕出什么岔子，于是特地打电话给老师说:―老师啊，我这是四大皆空。‖他听到电话那头老师长叹了一口气说:―本来都给你满分了，看来你还是没看透啊。‖然后……就没然后了。

斗篷

在购物网站上看到一个买主留言:我穿着新买的这件斗篷去面包店，因为冷，我把胳膊缩在里面。面包店老板以为我是失去双臂的残疾人，坚决不收钱，还很体贴地把面包袋挂在了我的脖子上。为了不让他失望，我用肩膀顶开门走了出来……

绝妙感觉

其实我挺喜欢机场的，尤其喜欢那儿的广播，一听就有种君临天下的感觉――请乘坐×××次航班的旅客准备―登基‖。

绝招

两个法语专业的MM在吃饭。两人闲扯了几句法语，一法国兄弟听到后过来拼桌。他先磕磕绊绊地用汉语作了白我介绍，然后撑不住了改用法语，最后问MM要电话号码。MM甲表情纠结地沉默了好久，她想问问MM乙，可法国兄弟听得懂汉语，法语更不必说，连手势和表情也逃不过他的眼睛。最后，MM甲憋出一句:―子欲之友乎?‖

误会

大一的时候有个教财务的老师，我每次上他的课睡觉，他都走过来拍醒我。后来他过来拍我的时候，我就从口袋里拿出一根香烟给他，他就让我继续睡。―个学期下来我给了他好几包烟，可期末的时候他居然让我不及格!我去找他理论，他说:―是你啊，我一直不知道你叫什么名字……‖

喜事

―小王，听说你上个月买房了，恭喜啊‖―唉，都花的父母养老的钱，不是啥喜事。‖―那你老婆刚给你生了一对双胞胎总是大喜事了吧!‖小王一言不发，猛灌一口二锅头。―难道……难道两个都是男娃?‖小王依旧一言不发，两行热泪已悄然流下。

不靠谱

天气预报说会出太阳，可是雨却淅淅沥沥下了一周不见停。

丈夫说:―这天气就跟你们女人一样善变!‖

妻子不甘示弱:―这天气预报就跟你们男人一样不靠谱!‖

晚到一点

老板问我：―这星期六你能来加班吗？我知道你周末很爱玩，但这边真的很需要你。‖

―行啊没问题，不过你也知道的，周末路上都很堵，估计得晚到一点儿。‖

―嗯，那大概什么时候能到呢？‖―周一。‖

24小时

顾客问洗衣店老板：―我的衣服什么时候可以洗好？‖ 老板说：―3天以后。‖

顾客问：―为什么要这么长时间？广告里说，你们24小时就可以洗好啊！‖

老板笑道：―完全正确。但是，我们一天工作8小时啊！‖

小学同学

―我是你小学同学，记得吗？‖

―不大记得了，哪个？‖

―三年级的时候拿市作文大赛一等奖的那个。‖

―没印像。‖

―五年级的时候我奥数比赛拿省一等奖。‖

―还是没印像。‖

―六年级的时候我掀过老师的裙子。‖

―哦，原来是你啊。‖

刷信用卡

朋友的老公不喜欢逛街，所以每次去逛街，她老公都找各种理由逃脱。

一次我和她逛街，她家里正好要换空调，看中了一吧15000元的。刷信用卡的时候她对那个收银员说：―给我分4次刷！‖收银员就照做了。

过了5分钟，她的手机响了，她老公破天荒地要来陪她逛街。

事后我才知道，他老公收到来自信用卡中心的短信：第一次消费1000元，第二次消费2000元，第三次4000元，第四次8000元。

时间观念

丈夫最近越来越没有时间观念。星期一早晨他到外地去，答应妻子星期二晚上回家。星期二没回家，星期三毫无音讯，星期四匆匆过去了，星期五还是如石沉大海。到了星期六，心急的妻子只好拍电报给他：―如已死亡，请即通知，以便趁早再嫁。‖

换位

阳光灿烂的一天，一对情侣上了一辆公交车。他们找到座位坐下后，女孩觉得太晒，让男友和她换置。刚换了没多久，车拐弯了，女孩又被太阳晒着了，她推了推男友，男友于是又坐回原来的位子。

可是一会儿车又拐弯了，女孩又推了推男友，男友站起来说：―我不坐了，我又不是向日葵。‖

差一点儿

新婚不久，老婆认真地问我：―你说咱们家谁是一家之主？‖

我马上不假思索地回答：―这还用问？当然是老婆大人您啦！‖

老婆笑笑，又问：―那你算什么呢？‖

我想了想说：―我的地位比您这个一家之方差一点儿。‖

老婆突然大叫起起：―差一点儿是什么意思？难道你想当一家之王？‖

诚实

甲：―天啊！我早上出门太着急，把钱包忘在枕头底下了！‖

乙：―你的佣人不是挺诚实的吗？她不会偷的！‖

甲：―不错，可是她会把钱包交给我妻子啊！‖

下一个问题

正在上课时，老师突然发话：―谁要是回答上我问的下一个问题，就可以下课回家。‖

我当即把书包往窗外一扔。

―是谁扔的‖？

―我扔的！那，我回家了啊。‖

亲哥

老爹对老妈说：―我终于证实，其实我是你失散多年的亲哥！‖

孩子他妈一脸茫然，一时手足无措。

这时，父亲突然指着儿子骂道：―不然怎么会生出这么个白痴！‖

玄之又玄

路边，一个老头说：―当日华山论剑，先是他用黯然销魂掌破了我的七十二路空明拳，然后我改打降龙十八掌，却不防他伸开食指和中指，竟是六脉神剑，又胜我一筹。可见天下武学彼此克制，武学之道玄之又玄！‖少年听得云里雾里，正要问，旁边的老太太大声说道：―玩个剪刀石头布都说得这般威风！‖

需要多长时间

―个醉汉上了出租车，他问司机:―从这里到火车站需要多长时间?‖

―大约半个小时。‖司机说。

―噢，‖醉汉又问，―那从火车站到这里需要多长时间?‖

司机很恼火，对醉汉说:―还是半小时。这有什么区别吗?‖

醉汉振振有词:―从圣诞节到元旦只有一个星期，而从元旦到圣诞节却要很长很长时间!‖ 现在拍照喊什么

阿毛是个摄影师，每年都给大学生拍毕业照。这天，他和朋友聊天，

朋友问他:―现在太学生照相时，是不是还喊‗茄子‘?‖

阿毛说:―早不喊了，比如今年给理工学院毕业生照相时，那群男生都喊‗娘子‘。‖

朋友一听笑了，说:―如果是女生占多数，该不会喊‗汉子‘吧?‖

阿毛摇头:―女生有些喊‗银子‘，有些喊‗房子‘。‖

不够意思

一天上课时，老师见汤姆老是讲话，生气地说:―汤姆，你要是再不老实，我就告诉你爸爸。‖

汤姆十分冷静地说:―老师，我对你也不满意，可我从来没有告诉过你爸爸。‖

剧作家

经纪人对剧作家说:―有好消息也有坏消息，你要先听哪一个?‖

剧作家说:―先讲好消息吧。‖

经纪人:―派拉蒙很喜欢你的剧本，而且咬住不放。‖

剧作家说:―好极了。那坏消息呢?‖

经纪人:―派拉蒙是我家的那条狗。‖

使用说明书

一天，刚生下小女儿的妈妈对6岁大的儿子安迪说:―我的天啊，真受不了，你妹妹整天都在哭闹，我简直不知道该怎么办才好!‖

安迪脸带惊讶说:―怎么，妈妈，难道你收下她的时候，医院没给你一份使用说明书吗?‖

平步青云

莱特在作文中写道:―如果我是总统，我首先开除教育部部长，因为学生的作业太多了。‖

莱特的父亲见到这篇作文，生气地补写了一句:―如果不做作业，永远也当不上总统。‖

老师批改这篇作文时写道:―他已经是总统了，班上的差生都听他的指挥。‖

班上的差生闻知此事，抗议道:―老师，请别叫我们差生，应该称总统随从。‖

别再出价了

两个犹太人坐在救生艇上，茫茫大海，不见轮船，不见陆地。

―亲爱的主，‖其中一个祈祷说，―我们若能脱险，我将捐出我的一半财产给慈善事业。‖

入夜了，仍无救援。

―主啊，‖这个犹太人又祈祷说，―您若拯救我们，我将捐出三分之二的财产。‖

次日晨，照旧无一丝希望。

―主啊，‖这个虔诚的犹太人许诺道，―如果您助我们摆脱险境……‖

―住嘴!‖另一个犹太人喊道，―别再出价了，我看见陆地了!‖

感谢人类进化

老婆刚从商场买了一双皮靴。

老公:―多少钱?‖

老婆:―1000元。‖

老公吃惊:―一双靴子就花掉我半个月的工资！‖

老婆不屑:―这你还要感谢人类进化到直立行走了，否则，就要花掉你一个月的工资!‖

笨鸟

一朋友的儿子，5岁，那天不好好学习，被朋友―修理‖后自言自语说:―这世上有几种笨鸟，一种是先飞，一种是不飞，还有一种是下个蛋，把希望寄托在下―代。‖

然后他儿子头上又多了个包…… 价值

啥叫名牌?成本价后面加一个0的，就叫名牌。 成本价后面加两个0的，就叫奢侈品。

成本价后面随便想加几个0就加几个0的，就叫艺术品！

警惕

今天俺18岁生日，因为放假和一帮哥们儿挥霍，结果囊中羞涩。

没办法啊，早上讨好地给父母敬茶。结果父亲果断拿起钱包，一脸警惕地看着我，问道;―多少钱一杯?‖ 面试事件

有人来面试。

我：―你学什么专业的?‖

面试者：―计算机。‖

我：―那好啊!从事软件开发还是硬件维修?‖

面试者：―搬运。‖

我……

五行缺我

毕业吃散伙饭时，甲满席间为同学们看手相，算未来十年的命。算到美女乙时，甲拉着对方的手，看着对方的眼睛说：―你，五行缺我。‖

不喜欢胖的

老婆在看相亲类节目，看到一个很胖的女嘉宾与她相中的男的牵手失败，就对老公说：―这个女的如果喜欢你，你要吗?‖

老公：―我不喜欢胖的。‖

老婆：―要是我变胖了你咋办?‖

老公：―那还能咋办，砸手里了呗。‖

老婆……

谁怕

教练鼓励刚取得驾照的女学员大胆开车上路。

女学员：―我怕……木木读者在线阅读‖

教练：―怕什么?该怕的是别人，不是你!‖

不好好学习的后果

儿子对他爹抱怨道：―我们家的房子怎么这么小啊!‖

爹说：―儿啊，现在房价太高了，爹没有那么多钱。‖

紧接着爹又说：―所以你要好好学习，将来挣钱买大大的房子!‖

儿子听后，疑惑地问：―那你小时候为啥不好好学习?‖

订婚宴

帮同事去饭店订婚宴洒席，餐馆经理跟我要了新郎的名字。

我很奇怪地问：―为什么只要新郎的名字，而没有要新娘的名字?‖

经理笑了笑：―经常会遇到结婚那天，新娘名字临时变更的情况。‖

猜 测

正在博物馆展出的古埃及法老的木乃伊突然复活，抓住路过的一位年轻美貌的女游客。人们惊慌失措，不知道该怎么办才好。

正巧大导演斯皮尔伯格也在，只见他在法老耳边小声说了一句话，法老立刻放过那名貌似古埃及艳后的女子。

事后，人们纷纷猜测斯皮尔伯格究竟说了什么骇人听闻的咒语。

来自中国的知名女演员猜想，可能是这样的一句话：―她身上的香水有毒。‖ 来自韩国的国际巨星猜想，一定是这样说的：―她不是淑女。‖ 来自日本的美女明星猜想：―你不要吓着她了。‖

斯皮尔伯格闻言大笑，―其实，我只是这样说的：请注意自己的形象，你现在是个世界名人。‖

遗

嘱

—位老太太请律师帮她立遗嘱，她有两个要求：第—，她想火葬：第二，她想把骨灰撒遍购物商场。

律师惊奇地问：―购物商场?为什么要撒在购物商场?‖

老太太说：―那样我就能确保我的女儿们每星期看我两次。‖

吻

痕

昨天和男朋友亲热时，他在我脖子上留了个吻痕，回家被老妈发现，问我怎么回事。我—心虚，说是挠的……我妈说：―你挠一个给我看看。‖于是我使劲在脖子上挠了个印子，马马虎虎过关了……第二天男朋友发现了，问我怎么多了一个吻痕，我又说挠的，他又让他再挠—个……

不可以嫁

刚刚听到—个美女笑着对她朋友说：―网上说用iPhone的男人可以嫁，因为他每天晚上必须回家充电。‖

朋友十分鄙视地回了—句：木木读者在线阅读

―才不能嫁呢!用这玩意的人那么多，他晚上到哪都可以充电。‖

观

察

一位领导路过一个偏远的山村学校，因为有媒体跟随，就想表现—下自己的亲民作风。领导上大学时是学理科的，他给学生讲了什么是现代科学，它如何促进人类的进步，还淡到宇宙飞船以及人类如何登上月球。等要走时，他问学生有什么疑问。―老师，‖—位学生问，―我们村什么时候能通公共汽车?‖

撞上了

一驾驶员在路边倒车，看到旁边站着一位老人，就说：―大爷，要是撞上您了，麻烦您告诉我一声。‖

老人：―好的，好的，倒吧！倒..倒..倒……‖

―恍‖地一声巨响。

老人：―好了！好了！好了！撞上了……‖

哇哈哈纯净水

上课，语文老师给学生出了道题：仿照―绿油油的蔬菜‖的结构，组一短句。

学生纷纷发言：红彤彤的太阳，黑漆漆的夜空……

轮到莉莉了，她―吭哧‖了半天，低声说：―哇哈哈纯净水。‖

慌乱出错

上班后，莉莉满脸通红地对大家说：―我今天太没面子了。‖

姐妹不解，问为什么？

莉莉说：―今天上班有点晚了，我就急急忙忙戴了一条老公送的围巾，想不到沿途大家都在看着我笑，进公司时大家笑得更厉害，后来才发现那是一条火红的秋裤。‖

超人―归来‖

有一男人晚上酒喝得醉醺醺地回家，他老婆给他打开门后，一直笑眯眯的，不停问他：―亲爱的超人，你去哪儿喝酒啦？你还要不要再吃点饭，超人，你是不是累了？我的超人……‖

男人实在忍无可忍了：―你为什么老师叫我超人？‖ ―因为只有超人才会把内裤穿在裤子外面。‖ 妻子回答道。 想念

有个中年人去看心理医生，焦虑地说：―大夫，我最好的朋友跟我的太太一起跑了，我好难过啊。‖

心理医生安慰道：―你和你太太也许是没有缘分，天涯何处无芳草，就让她去吧。‖

中年人依旧愁容满面地说：―可我非常想念我的朋友啊。‖

罚跪

两名少妇在聊天。 一个说：―我老公做错了事，我就罚他跪电脑主板!‖

另一个说：―我从不罚老公跪电脑主板，我都是让他跪遥控器，换一个台就揍一顿！‖

没电了

同事带着5岁的女儿来我家玩，小姑娘有点儿害羞。

儿子见来了小朋友很是兴奋，很想和她说话，可小姑娘不理他，一直保持沉默。

儿子搬出了所有的小人书和玩具，想逗她一起玩，小姑娘还是一言不发，只是静静地坐在一旁听大人讲话。

儿子很失望，在我耳边说：―爸爸，她怎么不会说话，是不是没电了？‖

送女朋友

快到情人节了，我去楼下买完东西，老板问我：―先生买花吗？‖

―买花干什么呀？‖

―买花送女朋友啊！‖

―哦，卖多少花能送个女朋友啊？‖ 然后老板默默地把花收回去了…… 诊断

某病情咨询网站留言一则。问：―医生，我最近睡不着，心情很抑郁，吃不下饭，我是肿么了？‖

医生：―你今年多大了？‖

答：―15岁。‖

医生：―你寒假作业没做完吧？‖

最强祈祷

没几天就要考试了，小明开始默默在纸上写着：―孔子啊，保佑我的语文吧！祖冲之啊，保佑我的数学吧！牛顿啊，保佑我的物理吧！阿伏伽德罗啊，保佑我的化学吧！达尔文啊，保佑我的生物吧！司马迁啊，保佑我的历史吧！哥伦布啊，保佑我的地理吧！‖

孩子与取款机

一对夫妻离婚争孩子！ 老婆理直气壮地说：― 孩子是从我肚子里出来的， 当然归我！‖ 老公说：― 笑话！ 简直是胡说八道！ 取款机里取出来的钱能归取款机吗？‖

日期

一个士兵正在填写值班日志。

―今天是几号？‖士兵问他的战友。

―我也不记得了，你看一下报纸不就知道了？‖战友回答他。

士兵拿起报纸看了看，说道：―这可是昨天的报纸呢。‖

―你真笨，把昨天的日期加上1不就行了？‖

士兵恍然大悟，然后再值班日志上工工整整地写下―5月32日‖。 提高工作效率

看到有个手机程序叫―提高你的工作效率‖。我心想，太好了，我正需要。 于是，下载，安装，—运行，手机就坏了。 过了两天我发现，工作效率真的提高了。 务 实

晚上加班，老板管饭。

老板:―想吃啥?‖

我:― 烧茄子。‖

老板:― 你点点儿好的嘛。‖

我:―肉烧茄子。‖

老板无奈:―你就不能有点追求?‖

我慎重思考后答:― 两份。‖

绝对委婉

跟女友相处了一段时间，她父母—直没有表态，我很着急。

—天，她父亲和蔼地对我说:―我和阿姨都很喜欢你，你是—个不错的小伙子。可惜我们只有—个女儿，没有儿子。听说女婿可以顶半个儿，但是我觉得半个不够，如果你不介意，可以当我们的干儿子，到时候我女儿结婚，她的孩子还能有个舅舅。‖

哲学问题

某日我进入—个陌生的小区找同学，被保安拦住，问了我三个哲学上的终极问题:

―你是谁?‖

―你从哪里来?‖

―你要到哪里去?‖

于是我顿时陷入了沉思…… 乐观老妈

老妈天性乐观，一天却惆怅自语:―唉，转眼就50岁了！‖我正准备安慰她，只听她悠悠地说了后半句:―人生的1/3就这么过去了。‖

女网友

某日，一女网友坐火车来见面，我早早到站台激动地等候。

火车到站后，人群中一中年妇女高呼我的网名。我细看，恼了:―咋还带这么多行李来?‖

―怕见面不成功，还可以去工厂打工。‖

―咋还带—孩子来?‖

―离婚了，娃没人照顾。‖

―那你还在网上跟我聊得这么热乎?‖

她指了指那男孩:―不是我，是他一直在和你聊。‖

触摸屏

甲感慨:―现在科技发展这么快，说不定哪天电视机都是触摸屏了。‖

乙说:―你傻啊！有遥控器不用，非要走过去用手指头戳?‖

考试

熬夜复习，泡面没泡开，第二天考试时一直胃疼，想吐。没想到考到—半，我就忍不住吐了。老师走过来关切地问:―怎么，题出得太恶心了?‖

跟大奔追尾

我和同事等公交。旁边有一MM在喝豆浆。

同事开玩笑说:哥，你的车呢?

我说:送去修了。

MM很认真地看了我—眼。

同事顺势说:咋回事? 我说:和—个大奔追尾了。 MM继续认真听。

同事继续装:哎呀，要不我给你去找找4S店的朋友?

我说:不用，一个脚蹬子能值几个钱！

MM的豆浆喷了—地。

没那么爱你

前天上QQ，看到—已婚初中男同学的签名是―可能，我没有想象中那么爱你‖。

昨天，签名改成了―老婆，我错了‖。

今天的签名是―本人近日无家可归，求好心人收留‖。

找 零

早上打车，到了目的地才发现居然没带钱。还好我身上带了两包烟，于是尴尬地拿出一包中华给师傅当车钱。师傅接过我的烟，说:―这么好的烟啊。‖我尴尬地准备下车，师傅突然叫住我，从裤兜里摸出一包红河递给我，淡定地说:―找零……‖

医 保

我供职的公司是一个德国企业的中国代表处，一直没有批下执照来，就这么黑着，没五险一金。大家都挺着急这事，老板多次保证:―马上就批下来了，再等等!‖

—天，我们公司—名员工对老板说:―今天我听到好几个人说咱们公司坏话!‖ 老板问:―你怎么应对的?‖ 这位有才的大哥说:―我当时就想跟他们拼命!但是我仔细想了想还是算了，我没有医保!‖

命 令

两军在山谷对峙，卫兵进来报告敌情:―报告长宫，敌人的侦察机正在对我们拍照。‖

长宫:―传我的命令，一律不准笑!‖ 接吻时妻子的脸

一个人因为和妻子关系不好，去请教婚姻专家。专家问了他许多问题，也没发现他的问题所在。最后，专家问道：―接吻时，你有没有看到你妻子的脸?‖

―看到过一次。‖

专家问：―情况怎么样?‖

―她看起来很愤怒。‖

这时，专家觉得他找到了答案，说：―这正是你们的问题所在，接吻是两个人感情的交流，从心理学的角度来讲……对了，你是在什么情况下看到她愤怒的脸的?‖

―哦，她在窗户外面……‖

安

静

这天，老师如往常——样对着闹哄哄的班上大吼：―不——要——吵——了!安静一点!‖

可是没人理他。老师一气之下到校长那儿去告状。当校长和老师怒气冲冲地回到教室时，竟发现班上同学都安安静静地坐着。

―大家怎么变得这么乖?‖老师说，?发生什么事了吗?‖

教室里鸦雀无声。

―来，班长，你说!‖

班长很不好意思地站起来，低着头嗫嚅着：―老师，你说过，如果有一天你进教室时发现全班都很安静的话……你就死给我们看……‖

最伟大的母亲

女：―我要是和你妈同时掉进河里了，你先救谁?‖

男：―哈哈，我妈早就料到

你们会问这样的问题!为了我们哥仨的幸福，她五十岁了硬是学会了游泳！‖

不紧张

A君大学毕业前夕去某公司面试。叫到他了，他进去坐下后，面试官露出诧异的表情，说：―小伙子，你不要紧张啊!‖

A君说：―我不紧张啊!‖

面试官又说：―你真的不紧张?我们只是聊聊而已，双向选择嘛。‖

A君感到莫名其妙，说：―我真的没有紧张啊!‖

面试官怒了：―你真的不紧张?‖

A君：―我真的真的不紧张呀!‖

面试官：―不紧张你坐茶几上子：吗?‖

有收获

—个小偷潜入某公司欲行窃，没想到公司里始终有人加班，人走了一拨又来一拨，他只好无奈地等下去。过了半个月，小偷终于逮到机会溜了出来。

同伙问：―去哪儿了?‖

小偷：―在那个公司待了半个月。‖

同伙：―收获不错吧?‖

小偷苦笑：―甭提了!十五个大夜下来，我现在已经学会做PPT了!‖

精简人员

某单位的一个科室有五个人，人员精简方案要求只留四个人。五个人于是在一起开会研究谁走的问题，会议从早上一直开到中午都没有结果。这时，一个人去了趟厕所，回来后发现散会了。

大嗓门

晚上，儿子在看电视，老妈在打电话。老妈说话声音很大，儿子埋怨道：―说话像响雷似的，我都没法看电视了!‖老妈说：―我又不是故意的，你也知道，我天生嗓门大呀!‖

儿子不客气地说：―嗓门大可以改呀!‖

老妈不服气地说：―那好，你采教妈怎么改。‖

儿子把老妈拉到‘一边，故作神秘地说：―妈，当你讲话时，就当自己躲在房间里数钱，这样，你就不会大声嚷嚷了。‖

会错意了

有一次，班主任请长假，代班老师说，班主任被车撞骨折了。班长组织全班同学每人出些钱，给班主任买一辆轮椅。

班干部几个好不容易将轮椅抬到班主任家门口，敲门，这时看到班主任胸前吊着一只打着石膏的手臂出来开门了。

遗

书

公司一名员工拾获一本书，由于公司人多不易询问，于是在大门口张贴字条：―失物招领，遗书一本。‖

翌日，字条已改：―书我已领走，谢谢你的遗言。‖

食人族

两个食人族上班，领导说：―如果在单位吃人，立马开除!‖三个月下来相安无事。一天，领导把他俩大骂一顿：―口叫你们不要吃人你们还吃，开除!‖两个食人族一个骂另一个：―告诉你多少遍了，不要吃干活儿的!我们每天吃一个部门主管，啥事都‗没有。昨天你吃了一个程序员，就被发现了…‖ 黄金年龄

女：女人的黄金年龄很短，也就是18岁到26岁那么几年。

男：男人的更短。

女：谁说的，男人到了40岁，还是一枝花。

男：其实男人的黄金年龄只有16岁到18岁，在这段时期的他们，长得帅会有人喜欢，打球厉害会有人喜欢，学习好会有人喜欢，玩乐器会有人喜欢。但到了30岁以后，只要他没钱，就很少有人喜欢了！

挑战

某女暗恋班上一练散打的帅哥，怎么暗示他都不明白。一天她鼓足勇气，把写有―某月某日某时，操场第三棵树下，不见不散‖的字条夹在他的课本里。羞涩的她没有署名。那天，某女很期待地等在树下。帅哥终于来了，身后还跟着一群人。皎洁的月光下，帅哥看到树下的人影，大喝道:― 是你下的挑战书？‖

进出口生意

朋友失业很长时间了，有一次碰面，我问他:― 最近忙什么呢？‖

他不好意思说一直失业，就说:― 我在做进出口生意。‖

我问:―进口什么？‖

―粮食。‖

―出口什么？‖

―肥料。‖

绝对优势

话剧演出之前，导演从舞台侧幕的缝隙中看了看台下寥寥无几的观众，回过头对演员们说:―大家一定要沉住气!今天在观众面前，我们从数量上占绝对优势……‖

谁给一元钱

儿子找爸爸要零花钱，爸爸从衣兜里掏出一枚一元的硬币， 递给儿子。儿子嘟囔:― 一元钱太少了，能买到什么？‖

爸爸想教育一下儿子，告诉他积少成多的道理，便说:― 一元钱虽少，可是能积少成多啊。如果全国13亿人每人都给你一元钱，那你不就有13亿了吗？‖

儿子不满地说:― 可是，全国13亿人并不都是我爸爸呀!‖

亲身经历

在巴黎街头，一辆飞驰而过的汽车给一个乡下人溅了满身泥。乡下人对着从车里下来的司机大喊大叫:― 真不像话!要是在我们乡下遇到这种情况，司机会立刻从车上下来向人家道歉，还要将他接到自己家里，为他洗干净衣服，请他喝香槟酒，并留他过夜。到第二天还要请他吃早饭，送给他钱，然后才送他上路。‖

司机说:―这绝对不可能!‖

―确有其事!‖

―这是你的亲身经历？‖

―是我老婆亲身经历的。‖

现实主义

一女性同事收到99朵玫瑰，没任何卡片，她自己琢磨了半天也不知道是谁送的。

就在大家纷纷艳羡、猜测时，此女打电话给她妈问:―妈，知道玫瑰酱咋做不？‖

遗嘱

有个人快死了，亲戚朋友都围在跟前，问他还有什么话要嘱咐。

他慢慢说:― 东邻该咱100元。‖

妻子忙说:― 知道了，大家都可以作证，东邻王麻子欠咱100元。‖

他缓了一口气，又轻轻地说:― 西舍该咱200元。‖

妻子又急忙说:―各位亲朋给咱作证，西舍张秃子欠咱200元。‖

他停了停，用最后一口气说:― 别忘了，咱还欠豆腐铺李聋子300斤黄豆。‖ 妻子一听便哭了起来:― 啊呀，他不行了，你们看他开始说胡话了。‖ 一击必中

汉森站在开球点，用高尔夫球杆反复比画着，不厌其烦地测量出球距离，计算着风向、风速和击球角度。一同来的球友都有些不耐烦了，问道:― 汉森，今天怎么瞄这么久？‖

―难得我老婆今天也来了，她现在正从俱乐部二楼的阳台往下看我打球，所以我这一击必须得准!‖ 汉森头也不抬，一本正经地说道。―算了吧，老兄，我看无论你怎么瞄，都没法从这儿把她击中。‖

再读一遍

和女朋友约会，她发短信给我:―我5分钟后到。如果没到，请再读一遍此短信……‖

表白

常有男生在女生楼下点燃蜡烛摆出心形，然后大吼―我爱你‖表白。今晚A君打赌输了，被罚模拟该情景，只允许说三个字。A君生性羞涩，点好蜡烛后半天都不肯开口。楼上看戏的人越来越多，好多窗口都是等着看热闹的同学，有的还为他加油鼓劲。结果憋了半天，A君抬头太嚎:― 卖–蜡–烛–‖

礼物

―我送你的生日礼物喜欢不？‖

―嗯，可好看了，贼喜欢!‖

―那咋不见你带在身边昵？‖

―刚不告诉你了吗？贼喜欢。‖

预测不易

在地铁上，听到一个男孩子对旁边的女孩子说：―谁说不能预测未来，至少我能知道几年后我的孩子姓什么，你就杯具了，还是未知数呢！‖

女孩子回了一句：―但是我的孩子肯定是我的孩子，你的孩子就未必了。‖

从屁股入手

老师发现一个学生家长的教育方式有问题,总教那些很难学的东西。

于是就找学生家长谈话,道:‖教育孩子,首先要从头开始……‖

家长:‖原先也从头开始,谁知一棍子就把他敲蒙了。经验表明,还是从屁股入手好些……‖

父亲节快乐

父亲节时给爹打电话。

爹:‖啥?‖

我:‖今天是父亲节,祝您节日快乐。‖

爹:‖你也快乐。‖

我:‖是父亲节,父亲快乐!‖

爹:‖我知道,我的意思是你啥时过这节?‖

我:‖……‖

爹:‖明年过得上吗?‖

我:‖……‖

爹:‖后年过得上吗?‖

我:‖……‖

爹:‖那我还快乐个屁!‖

爹果断挂机。

恶意报复

一名FBI探员向人事部门投诉,宣称他遭到上司的恶意报复。

在被问起具体事例时,探员说:‖我的上司派我去中国寻找两名线人。‖ 调查官说:‖这并不算过分的命令啊。‖

探员怒道:‖可是他给我的唯一线索,只有那两个人的名字:建国和海涛。‖ 只爱你一个

月光下,一对小青年在窃窃私语。

男:‖你爱我吗?‖

女:‖除了你,我谁也不爱!‖

男青年大喜:‖太好了!我们结婚吧!‖

婚后第一天,她与婆婆拌了嘴;第二天,又跟公公打了架;第三天把他弟弟赶出了门;第四天又同他的好友闹了别扭……‖

丈夫实在忍不住了:‖你为什么老跟别人过不去?‖

妻子坦然地回答:‖我不是说过‘除了你,我谁也不爱‘吗?‖

摊主的妹妹

那天去菜市场买菜,有个摊主冲我直乐,说我和他妹妹长得像。一股亲切感油然而生,我所有的菜全在他摊儿上买了。

当我拎着菜准备走时,顺口问了声他妹妹的近况。摊主叹了口气说:‖我妹子长得不好,到现在还没嫁出去。‖

海 盗

听说《加勒比海盗4》上映了,小弟特别兴奋。‖姐,我打算连看两张,如果非常好看,我打算再加两场。‖

我刚喊出:‖你疯了‖这三个字,就听一旁的老妈说:‖行了,看一场就可以了,你在这个家已经是顶级海盗了,从房到车,哪样不是从我们这儿掠夺的?‖

赞 美

‖老婆,你是我见过的最可爱的人!‖

‖老公,我就喜欢你这种没见过世面的。‖

圆 谎

老马在睡梦中喊了初恋女友的名字,老婆推醒他,警觉地问:‖你在喊谁?‖

老马忙掩饰道:‖我做梦当老师了,在叫学生回答问题。‖

老婆问:‖那你一节课怎么总是叫同一个学生回答问题?‖

老马一愣,紧接着回答:‖因为我做的是家庭教师嘛。‖

原来如此

同学聚会,当年的一位老师也应邀参加。

某同学对老师说:‖老师,我必须敬您一杯,当年您对我多好啊!每次讲完题都第一个问我听明白没有,让我很受感动。‖

老师:‖其实我是觉得,你要是明白了,其他人就都明白了……‖

体貌特征

一名女士匆匆走进警察局报案,说她的老公已失踪5天了。

值班警察询问道:‖您丈夫有什么明显的体貌特征吗?‖

‖没有。不过,他这次要是回来就得有了。‖ 劝 嫁

妈妈想让女儿去相亲，于是语重心长地对女儿说：―现在社会上司机要男的，会计要男的，连秘书也指定要男的。妈实在是为你操碎了心啊!‖

女儿不解：―妈，你到底想说什么？‖

妈妈认真地说：―妈想说的是，趁现在‗老婆‘还能是女的，赶紧找人嫁了。不然过几年，还不知道会是怎样……‖

半夜访客

一位拳击运动员的妻子在夜里被声响弄醒了，她看见卧室里站着一个贼。

她弄醒身边的丈夫，镇定地说：―起来吧，有人找你做家教。‖

你懂的

去火车站窗口买票，我说：麻烦买张靠中间车厢的票！

售票员问为什么？我眨了下眼回答你懂的！

售票员麻利的敲了几下键盘回答中间的票卖完了，我很惊讶我是第一个排队的呀，售票员对我眨了眨眼回答：你懂的！

单纯的爱

―你怎么会选择跟她在一起？你俩看上去不太合适。‖―主要是因为她单纯。‖―她单纯？没看出来，你指什么？‖―她说，只要谁能给她买套房子，她就嫁给谁，她没有其他女人那么复杂。‖

别 号

去医院打针，一个小护士可能是实习的，比较紧张，拿针头扎了我十下都没找到血管。我咬着牙说道:―大姐，你姓李是吧。‖她说：―你怎么知道？‖我说很简单啊，因为你一看就是传说中的李十针(时珍)……‖

为什么

一天突然发现，我有大姨，二姨，四姨，五姨，却没有三姨。于是就去问我爸：为什么我没有三姨？ 心里还想了一下：难道三姨在小的时候就死 了？ 我爸怒道：你三姨就是你妈！

问 候

下载了手机游戏―怪物吃糖‖，居然还要提交注册才能玩。嫌烦不爽，随手填个―你大爷的‖……现在每次打开游戏，都会弹出个提示——―欢迎回来，你大爷的。‖我气晕！

捉襟见肘

和女朋友出去吃饭，花了95元，发现我俩都没带钱包。好在一哥们儿在附近上班，我赶紧给他打电话，然后去找他借钱，把女友就在餐厅做人质。结果，我呼哧呼哧拿着100元回来时，发现她竟然又点了一杯奶昔，17元！我说：大姐，你至于这么渴么！

一块儿去

一哥们儿的奶奶，今年80多了，老是怕孙子学坏。那天哥们儿约了朋友出去玩，奶奶追在后面问：干吗去呀？哥们儿说：去杀会儿人！奶奶大惊失色：孩儿呀！有话好好说！

某日哥们儿又要去玩杀人，怕奶奶又纠缠不清，就跟奶奶说：这回是去斗地主！结果奶奶抄起了擀面杖：这是正事！奶奶跟你一块去！

幼儿园开学，许多孩子被送来，家长走后，孩子们哭闹着，简直跟宰猪场差不多！这时候，唯独有一个小孩蹲在墙角巨蛋定，老师准备好好夸一下他，刚走近，那个小孩以迅雷不及掩耳之势，抢过老师手机，连号码都没拨，拿起手机就对着手机哭喊着：―爸爸，快来救我啊！我被妈妈卖了…‖

换 妈

男子想跟妻子离婚，但又害怕伤害到三岁的女儿。 于是哄着女儿说―妈妈老了，不漂亮了，给你换一个妈妈好不好？‖ 女儿想了想，说：―才不呢！你妈那么老，为什么不换你妈！‖

对 答

飞机上一乘客不断问空姐要东要西，空姐忍无可忍，说：―先生，这是波音747，不是7-11（连锁便利店）。‖

修理心脏

一位医生的车坏了，送到修理部检查，是引擎出毛病了。

修理工熟练地把引擎拆下来修好又装上，得知医生是胸外科的，对医生说：―引擎就是摩托车的心脏，我们都是修理心脏的，可是收入为什么差距这么大？‖

医生想了想说：―你试试在不熄火的情况下修它。‖

上一篇：言论

下一篇：冬令进

误

解

和交往4年的女朋友分手了。昏天黑地地上了双层大巴，旁边坐个美女也提不起兴趣打量。售票员过来卖票，我以为是空调车就递过去两块，售票员看了我们两个一眼就撕给我两张一块钱的票。我愣了一下，懒得解释，继续头靠窗户回忆我四年的感情，不知不觉泪流满面。美女突然说话了：―就一块钱，至于吗?‖

试

尝

老婆让我去超市买速冻饺子，促销小姐热情地招呼我，还拉我过去：―尝尝吧尝尝吧!‖唉，盛情难却啊，吃了一个。咀嚼时促销小姐一直盯着我，认真地问：―熟了吗?熟了我就捞起来了。‖

非常传销

10年后的某个早晨我们再次相见。姑娘问我：―生活得好吗?结婚了没有?‖

我说：―没有。‖

她说：―你晚上7点来宾馆找我。‖

我一整天魂不守舍，晚上提前半小时冲到宾馆。她迎我进去，招呼我坐下，温柔地问道：―你听说过某某品牌吗?‖

变

化

半夜两点，妻子从别墅的二层走到一层客厅，看到丈夫还在跟一帮赌友玩牌，就对他们说：―听着，能不能让我在自己的房子里安安静静地睡一会儿?‖

丈夫说，―轻点儿，亲爱的，现在这已经不是我们的房子了……‖

换

车

我旁边一个三十来岁，占地面积偏大，穿着体面的典型北京爷们儿，—边不停地抹汗，—边操着一口北京腔打电话：―那孙子说要参加婚礼，跟我换几天车用用，妈的，到了地方，我给他车钥匙，他丫给我一公交卡!‖

请假条

今早收到一张请假条，上书：―老师，我们班某某同学因为在校医院医治无效……‖我的脑子轰的一声巨响，前几天还活生生的人，怎么现在就……我的眼泪哗一下就下来了。哭了好一会儿，又拿起那张纸条，忽见：―所以今天转到城里继续治疗，望老师准假!‖

领导的智商

开大会的时候，正在讲话的领导忽然脱稿大骂：―别以为我不知道你们个个在玩手机!没有人会无缘无故看着自己的裤裆傻笑。‖

知错不改

―你总是知错不改。‖一妇人抱怨其丈夫，

―我若有这种勇气，5年前就和你离婚了。‖

食堂记

有—次，我在食堂吃饭，买了一份土豆烧牛肉，结果不小心掉了—块牛肉，于是我整顿饭都只吃到了土豆。

又一次，我发现米粥里有一块鸡蛋，便对同桌说：―看来这段时间食堂开始注意伙食质量了，鸡蛋粥，有营养。‖结果同桌摇着头说：―我敢肯定，食堂昨晚没洗锅!‖

理

想

父亲给儿子定下的伙食标准是：80分吃米饭，70分吃馍，60分吃面条，不及格只能喝稀饭，如果想吃饺子，必须考到90分以上。

期末考试的时候，儿子的作文考试题目是《理想》，儿子认真地想了想，写道：―我这学期的理想就是能吃上饺子，但是我清楚地知道，以我常年吃馍、偶尔还要喝稀饭的水平，离吃饺子的标准还差得很远。‖

虚惊一场

一天晚上在家里上网，―旺旺‖突然跳出来一个窗口对我说：―亲，我怀孕了。‖我顿时一惊，心想自己没闯什么祸吧?正发愣，那人又说：―明天去医院检查。‖我心想，你到底是谁啊，难道还要我陪你去检查，想讹我不成?正琢磨着，那人又说：―只能后天给你发货了。‖晕，原来我下午在她的淘宝店里买过东西……

左右为难

经理：―小杨，你早晨上班迟到了，下班又早退，不大合适吧?‖

小杨：―经理，现在路况不好，总是堵车，我上班迟到了，下班回家就不能再迟到了，否则，我还要被老婆批评的。‖

用微博的中医

我一微博带V的朋友去看中医，大夫嘱咐她每晚十一点前必须睡。隔两周，她诸症未除，去复诊。中医号脉，正色道：―还是晚睡，以后十一点没睡就不要再来看了。‖友大惊，叹祖国医学博大精深。大夫又道：―你昨晚12：34分以后睡的。‖友弱弱地问：―能号这么准啊?‖大夫：―我加了你的关注。‖唉，用微博的中医伤不起啊。

体

贴

老公下班回家后，发现老婆躺在床上。

老公关切地问道：―老婆，身体不舒服吗?‖

老婆点了点头。

老公连忙安慰道：―做饭的事你不用愁，我一会把你背到厨房!‖

云计算

中国一留学生去美国打工时卖小商品，不带计算器，习惯抬头望天，心算找零。顾客大为惊讶，纷纷掏出计算器验证，皆无误，也抬头望天，惊恐地问：―这就是传说中的云计算?‖

我给你焐焐

一个男孩终于遇到了一个喜欢的女孩。女孩生病了，男孩陪她去医务室打点滴。10分钟过去了，20分钟过去了……双方都没有动静。

男孩寻思要打破沉寂，就问：―冷吗?‖女孩说：―冷。‖男孩说：―我给你焐焐?‖女孩脸红了，小声说：―好。‖

然后，男孩起身，用手焐住了滴流瓶……

你

好

有—次陪女朋友上街，她一定要我回答：―我和你前女友谁的身材好?‖我正在思索，忽然身后一男士插嘴：―你好!‖我惊恐地回头，想看是谁这么八卦，结果是一陌生人。他估计被我们的表情吓到了，颤声说：―你好，请问中山街怎么走?‖

剧

透

我租了本侦探漫画，刚看到第2页我就把书摔了，生闷气。室友问：―怎么了?‖我答：―不知哪个天杀的，用蓝色圆珠笔在某个人物上画了一个圈，还写上，这个就是凶手。‖

造

假

同学曾进一保险公司，当时由于未毕业，弄了假学历。本来都是心照不宣，可是主管终于还是彻底愤怒了：―你们造假也无所谓，但你们好歹也分开造，别都扎堆一个学校啊!扎堆一个学校也无所谓，你们好歹也找家有技术含量的给办啊!你们看看，你们的证上面盖的这公章，有圆的，有方的，还有椭圆的，最可气的是，还有三角形的，你们找的是猪肉检疫站办的吧?‖

太太换新妆

一位太太有天突发奇想，想给丈夫个意外惊喜，于是戴上假发，换上一套全新的衣服，并化了一个与平日不同的妆，然后到了先生的办公室，卖弄风骚地说：―嗨！帅哥，你想不想和我聊聊……‖

她先生看了她一眼，立刻打断她的话，说：―不，我什么也不想，我一看到你就联想到我的老婆。‖

应付酒驾

一天，一男子带着4岁的儿子应酬喝酒，用筷子蘸了点儿给儿子喝。开车回家的路上，他被警察拦下吹气，结果酒精含量超标。男子坚决否认自己喝了酒，并随手把测试仪塞进儿子嘴里让他吹，也超标，男子对警察说：―这东西坏了，小孩吹都超标。‖

之后，警察疑惑地看着他开车走了。

汽车和美女

一个发了财的人要买汽车，他到了汽车展览厅一看，每辆汽车边都站着一位十分漂亮的小姐，还给编上了号。他选择了一位最漂亮的小姐，他想：车子好坏没有关系，坏了可以再买，这美人买了可是一辈子的事……

表 白

暗恋的一女生的签名一直是：最大的梦想是两人一狗环游世界。

一天，我终于鼓起勇气对她说：―我和你的梦想一样啊，以后我们一起环游世界吧!‖

然后她很快就答应了我：―嗯!好的，我和我男朋友到时候一定带上你。‖

家书

中年的父亲正坐在电脑前给他儿子发QQ消息：―亲爱的儿子小和，好久不见，最近过得好

吗?爸爸妈妈都很想念你。妹妹也长高了一点点。你也不要天天上网，记得多运动。如果有空的话……关掉电脑，下楼来跟我们吃顿饭可以吗？‖

第16篇：幽默

幽默大全:非常搞笑

超级爆笑学生作文大全

A

老师让孩子们写游记,小伟写了这么一篇:今天是星期日，爷爷带我们去他的果园。哇„„爷爷的果园好大，种了好多果树，有西瓜树、草莓树、菠萝树„„因为我太小了爬不上树，爷爷就爬上西瓜树，摘了一个最大的西瓜丢给爸爸，爸爸用一只手就接起来了！果园还有很多长在地上的水果，像苹果、梨子、椰子等等„„爷爷摘了一些椰子，用手把椰子皮剥掉，去籽，然后分给每个人吃。椰子好好吃喔！我吃了20多个。

吃完了水果大餐，我们到果园旁边的喜马拉雅山去玩，听老师说喜马拉雅山是世界上最高的山。

果然老师没有骗我们，我跟表弟爬呀爬，大概爬了2分钟才到山顶，我热死了。

后来我们还是觉得很热，就到山顶泡温泉。好冰凉的温泉哦～喜马拉雅山真是个好地方。爸爸说如果这次考试我得第一名，下个星期日，他还要带我去东京、北京、南京去玩，我最想去西京，因为我表妹就住在西京。

表妹说其实课本是骗人的，西京有比喜马拉雅山更高的山，大概要爬3分钟，上面还有很大的夜市跟儿童乐园，还有清澈的小溪。

我一定要好好用功，然后叫爸爸带我去这些地方玩。

老师评语：内容矛盾百出，极尽夸大之能事。不知所云，乃本人教书20余年来所未曾见。下次请务必注意。

B

本周老师又要求交600字的游记，有了上回的经验，小伟不敢再乱写了，确确实实地将周日父亲带他去植物园的情况写下来。

今天早上爸爸带我们全家去植物园，沿路上蝉声一直吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱吱（以下删去420个“吱”）„„叫个不停，感觉很舒服。

老师评语：内容属实，能一改前非。但全篇用了500多个“吱”字，乃本人教书20余年来所未曾见。下次请务必注意。

C

老师这回也学乖了，怕学生乱写一通，要求再交600字的游记但要写出一天中的学习心得，小伟这次和妈妈爬山回来很小心地查阅课本，终于发现有一件事验证了课本的知识,很高兴地写下来交给老师。

今天和妈妈去爬山，到了山顶，妈妈说安静的山间会有回音喔。

我和表弟一起试着大叫━━“你好吗”果然大约3秒之后就听到：

你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗你好吗（以下删去170多句“你好吗”）„„一个字都没变，课本说的音波反射，我终于体会到了。真是有意义的一天。

老师评语：能从中学习，为师十分高兴。但全篇共用约200句“你好吗”，乃本人教

书20余年来所未曾见，下次请务必注意。

D（这篇最搞！注意某个成语~）

话说老师对小伟的偷懒式作文不能苟同，不再出游记式作文，为了激发小伟作文潜能，便再出一题:《最难忘的一件事》。

小伟咬着铅笔努力思考，终于下笔疾书，交出后自忖：老师应该不会再处罚我了，不禁面露傻笑。

上星期五放学回家时，在我家门前看见一坨大便，我大吃一斤：“谁这么缺德，在我家门前拉大便。”

我赶快叫姐姐出来，姐姐看了也大吃一斤，破口骂道：“真没公德心！这么没水准！”姐姐叫我拿扫把一起扫掉。

妈妈知道后也出来看，同样大吃一斤，叫道：“作孽喔！”

爸爸听到妈妈的叫声赶快出来看个究竟，也大吃一斤：“谁干的？”

邻居王妈妈刚买菜回来，看了也大吃一斤。王伯伯、王小明出来看也都大吃一斤。不一会儿聚集了十多人，大家都大吃一斤。

最后打119，消防队员们在大吃一斤后总算把那坨大便给清除了，真是最难忘的一件事。

老师评语：有进步。要注意错别字，是“大吃一惊”，不是“大吃一斤”。这坨大便总共有20来斤，哪个人有这本事？

第17篇：幽默

 老师对小明说：“乳就是小的意思，比如乳猪就是小猪，请你用乳字造个句。”小明：“我家很穷，只能住40平米的乳房。”老师晕：“这个不行，换一个。”小明：“我每天上学都要跳过我家门口的一条乳沟。”老师狂晕：“不行，再换一个。”小明：“老师，我想不出来了，把我的乳头都想破了！”

 有一只小猴子，肚肚被树枝划伤了，流了很多血。它见到一个猴子朋友就扒开伤口

说，你看我的伤口，好痛。每个看见它伤口的猴子都安慰它，同情它，告诉它不同的治疗方法它就继续给朋友们看伤口。继续听取意见，后来它感染死掉了。一个老猴子说，它是自己伤自己而死的。--痛，说一次就复习一次。

在路上捡了个鼠标垫，想配台电脑。朋友分析说：有了电脑还得买套家具，有了家具还得买套房子，有了房子还缺个女朋友，有了女朋友得结婚啊，结婚后得生孩子，生了孩子还得买奶粉啊，还要抚养你孩子长大，你孩子长大了说不定又捡一个鼠标垫，那缺的东西就更多了，我赶紧扔了那可怕的鼠标垫。。。

有位禅师有一个爱抱怨的弟子。一天，禅师将一把盐放入一杯水中让弟子喝，弟子说：咸得发苦。禅师又把更多的盐撒进湖里，让弟子再尝湖水。弟子喝后说：纯净甜美。禅师说：生命中的痛苦是盐，它的咸淡取决于盛它的容器。你愿做一杯水，还是一片湖水？

那年，女生跟男生表白，男生委婉的拒绝了。她没有为自己辩解什么，也没有做任何事，只是在男生的背后默默地注视着他。多年后，有人问她：“那么喜欢他，为什么当初没有去进一步地争取？”她笑笑说：“两根平行线交集后有两种结果，一种是交成一根线，另一种则是交集后便岔开，然后越来越远。”

天堂门坏了，上帝招标重修。印度人说：3千元弄好，理由是材料费1千，人工费1千，我自己赚1千；来个德国人说：要6千元，材料费2千，人工2千，自己赚2千；最后中国人淡定地说：这要9千元，3千给你，3千我的，剩下3千给那个印度人干。上帝拍案：就你了

一个陌生号码给我发了条信息：“ 妈， 我生活费没了， 你再给我打几百过来， 还是原来的号 XXXXXXXXXXXXXX 。” 我愣了5秒钟， 这样回了过去：“ 孩子， 你是从未来来的吗？ 能告诉我我什么时候才可以遇见你爸爸么？

男孩:想求你一件事。女孩:什么事?男孩:陪我演场戏。女孩:演什么?男孩:演我老婆。女孩:演多久?男孩:一辈子。六十年后,一位白发苍苍的老奶奶抚摸着病床上的老头子,感叹道:如果这场戏永远没有全剧终该多好。老头子:老太婆,我想求你一件事。老奶奶:什么事?老头子:下辈子,和我一起演续集好不好!

第18篇：幽默

浅谈教学中如何正确运用幽默

摘要：幽默有许多积极的作用，在教学中应该正确运用幽默，幽默可以适时地打破教学中的尴尬 幽默的语言可以加深学生的记忆，但应 认清幽默的真正含义，教学幽默应做到目标明确、适度。 关键词：幽默 正确运用 适度

单位：吉林省敦化市大石头镇中心校 姓名： 董丽娟

享誉中外的幽默大师林语堂曾说：“达观的人生观，率直无谓的态度加上炉火纯青的技巧再以轻松愉快的方式表达出你的意见，这便是“幽默”。是啊，课堂教学的内容是严肃而繁多的，倘若教学中有了幽默，学生在学习过程中就留下深刻印象，不易忘记，那么，怎样恰当地运用幽默，把幽默引入自己的教育教学中，以充分发挥教学幽默的神奇教育功能呢？下面我就谈一下自己的粗浅的看法：

一、幽默的积极作用

1、幽默可以适时地打破教学中的尴尬

法国著名演讲家雷曼麦有句至理名言，用幽默的方式说出严肃的真理，比直截了当地提出更易让人接受。有时学生犯了错误，用幽默的智慧去处理，有时会比颐指气使能收到事半功倍的效果，如有一次我上课，有一名男同学睡着了，我悄悄地走到他的面前，将他叫醒，在全班同学的注视下，该男生满脸通红，显得很难堪，我便说：“老师讲课犹如催眠曲，学生听课当然会打瞌睡，是我把某某同学弄睡的，只好由我来叫醒他，这叫做解铃还须系铃人！”顿时，课堂上爆发一阵笑声，我的自嘲式幽默使该男生摆脱了窘境，既起到了教育的作用，又让学生摆脱了尴尬的境地。

2、幽默的语言可以加深学生的记忆

前苏联教育家马卡连柯说过：同样的教育，因为话语不同，结果就可能相差二十倍，倘若教学中有了幽默，学生在学习过程中就留下了深刻印象，不易忘记。在教学中，我们经常会发现一些学生易错的字，反复强调，收效甚微，因此，我在教学中纠正错字时，采用幽默的语言强化学生记忆。如写“武”字时有很多同学易错多写一个撇，我就说：“某某你下次练武时别把你的大刀带来了！”同学们都哄堂大笑，在笑声中也强化了学生的记忆，取得了较好的效果，该生再写武字，那个撇就不会加上去了！正如前苏联教育家家马卡连柯说过的那样：“同样的教育，因为话语不同，结果就可能相差二十倍，倘若教学中有了幽默，学生在学习过程就留下了深刻印象不易忘记。

（二）运用幽默应注意的问题

教学幽默绝不是简简单单地说几个笑话，它必须与教学内容和教学目标相符，因此，运用教学幽默还需要注意以下几个方面的问题。

1、认清幽默的真正含义

语言的幽默风趣，不是海阔天空，不是信马由缰，不是信口开河，一定要恰如其分，如果只是为了追求笑声，那就把幽默庸俗化了，只能是哗众取宠，价值低廉。教师是人类文明的传播者，在学生中树立起“道德标尺，正义化身”的开象，给学生做出道德的表率，正义的楷模、纯真的标尺，在教育这块纯洁的土地上种下一颗颗不带任何病毒的禾苗，使其结出一串串不带任何毒素的果实。我们应该多用一些积极向上、健康文明的语言和学生交流互动，运用一些高雅的，真正意义上的幽默语言去活跃课堂气氛。

2、教学幽默应做到目标明确

教学幽默的目标应该是让学生在轻松愉快的气氛中获取知识，教师运用教学幽默的出发点应该是真诚的善意的，不然它必将成为讽刺、挖苦的刺刀，违背的教学的本意。看过这样一个教学案例，一位教师在教学《沁园春.雪》时，老师刚一读完，一学生站起来问道：“老师，风流是什么意思，另一个学生马上回应道：“这也不懂，风流就是一个男孩子喜欢女孩子，很花心的那种。”师：理解有一定道理，那你们两个以后不要太风流好不好？”学生一阵哄笑，这样的笑声也不仅不那么美丽，反而让人感到有些闹心和担心。

3、教学中幽默要适度

有的老师在一堂课幽默不断，让学生笑声不断，一些所谓的幽默语言实际上只是渲染一下学生感官的愉悦而已，对教学重点难点突破，发展学生的思维，激发学生情感，培养学生良好的思想品德，提高学生的审美品质是没有多大意义的。这样不会真正起到为教学服务的作用，反而冲淡了教学的内容和目标，甚至引起学后的反感。“物极必反”这是一个真理，教学中的幽默要把握一个“度”的问题，正确的使用幽默会让教学内容锦上添花。 教学中的幽默得有分寸，诙谐得有尺度，风趣得有原则，要找准幽默的时机载体和内容，这样才能拓展教学，激活课堂，精彩教学演绎个性化的教风。所以，教师应做到幽默中不失本分，欢乐上不乏启迪，笑声中不丢原则，从而调动学生学习的积极性、主动性，使学生有滋味，有情有义、有礼有节才是真幽默。

4教学学中的幽默应庄重

教师语言的幽默感，对于活跃课堂气氛，吸引学生的注意力，促成轻松愉快的学习心态起到重要作用。事实表明，富有幽默感的老师，学生总是喜欢的，师生间的情感也必然融洽。但是教师幽默感与相声、戏剧、电影、电视重点幽默不一样。课堂上的幽默是一种庄重的幽默。庄重是指教师教学内容的科学性和严肃性，幽默是指教学形式和方法上的趣味性。没有庄重，幽默就会失去基本内涵，没有诙谐，庄重就会缺乏生动有趣的表现形式。

真正的幽默者能够像从口袋掏东西一样，自然而然地流露和反映出来，而不要花大力气。”幽默是一种智慧，是教师涵养的反映，所以教学语言不论幽默与否，都要努力追求质量、品位艺术。使课堂教学对学生产生强烈的吸引力、感染力和凝聚力，才能真正体现它的内在美。我们把幽默正确地请进课堂，在幽默的欢声笑语中，给学生以智慧、情感、力量。

“缺乏幽默是悲哀的。 ”前苏联著名教育家斯维洛夫指出“教育家最主要的,也是第一位的助手是幽默。 ”当然幽默感不是与身具 备的,这需要日积月累，即渊博和知识、广泛的社会阅历是教师具备幽默感的前提，当然我们也要看到幽默只是一种手段，并不是目的，如果脱离具体教材内容和实际需要，一味搞笑逗乐，那就误入歧途了。让我们一起努力，用我们的睿智去营造一个个充满智慧与笑声的课堂。

第19篇：幽默

1.和男朋友聊天，说到兴起，口水四溅，溅到了他脸上。然后他本能地用手擦去。我有点不好意思，但是故意转移重点装作很生气：“干嘛？嫌弃我啊？？”他满脸绅士般的笑容说：“没，抹匀！”

2.以前学校说要搞体检，要大便做化验品,然后每一个人都带上一点点去~然后呢，有个校友~用周大福的袋子和盒子装着.然后走到半路~被人开摩托车抢走了。。。。。。

3.一女生朋友,胸特小,我们天天埋汰她,有一天她终于忍无可忍,于是便冲我们喊到:\"我胸小怎么地吧, 我随我爸,怎么地吧!\"

4.今天带着家人去金山城市沙滩游泳，主要是陪孩子去玩沙子。正在堆沙的过程中远处高台上的救生员（指挥员）用高音喇叭喊上了：带孩子的家长请注意，请看管好自己的小孩，特别是带着自己的孩子又带着别人的老婆的，请不要把自己的孩子扔在一边，我看得出来的！

5.话说，

我有个女同事，

名字叫李瑞，

有个男同事，

名字叫李瑞生...

6.冬天时候跟同学吃火锅,吃完我第一个出来,等后面的那帮同学,我照着一辆越野车的黑色玻璃剔牙,然后又擦润唇膏~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 擦完整理头发时,车窗摇下来了,一帮人在车里看我,一张猛男的脸离我超近地说:小妹,照完没?我们要开车了!

7.刚上大学的时候，因为我们所在的地方比较乱，所以宿舍几个朋友就一块去集市上买刀，放在宿舍里也好防身，买完往回走的时候路过一银行，正赶上人家下班正往运钞车上拎一箱箱的钱，我们琢磨着别让人家押运员误会，就让一哥们把刀藏衣服里了，结果走到那个拿枪的押运员旁边时那小子一紧张刀居然掉地上了，当啷一声，文明用语，至今忘不了押运员看我们的眼神，也是迄今为止第一次被人用枪指着。后来我们刀也没敢拣就默默走了。。。

8.中学时物理老师上课讲摩擦生电说：我们冬天的时候脱毛衣。毛衣都会嚓嚓响。还有电光。但是夏天就不会这样。为什么呢？

后面的男生：因为夏天不穿毛衣。

9.我朋友有次喝醉了,据文明用语说,他在厕所,右手拿电话状,左手按着镜子,和镜子中的\"入狱者\"深情对视道:吃得好不好啊?最近监狱管得严吗?争取早日出来啊...

10.今晚上爸妈都不在家，我只好亲自下厨炒菜，把油倒锅里后，听见卧室电话响，跑回卧室拿着手机，边打电话边往厨房走，到厨房一看油开了，到处溅油花，我一激动把手机扔锅里了。。。。。。

11.杭州这边有些公交是比较高档的，所以玻璃都是闷着的，上面写着：紧急时敲碎玻璃。

这几天气温回升，车上也比较热，车上人又多。最郁闷的是不知道那位无德的家伙在车上放了个无声巨臭的屁。。。后来，玻璃就被敲碎了。。。

12.有天晚上，我父母打麻将回来，他们进家的时候我就醒了，但还是很迷糊。

突然我的脚就抽筋了（估计在长个子），然后就从床上蹦起来。当时意识很模糊，只想

走两步，把抽筋的感觉压下去。

结果我走了两步，觉得撑不下去了，扑通就跪在我爸面前，吓我爸一大跳。

跪了之后就觉得没抽筋的感觉了，然后又默默地站起来，反过身回房间睡觉去了。

整个过程没有一句话，估计我爸当时已经石化了。

13.2009年7月22日，我在一个BBS上见一个哥们说：“TMD，原来日食是在白天，害老子白等了一宿！”

14.上次看CCTV的一个节目,什么名字不记得了,就记得开头是个记者在火车站问人:\"你幸福吗?\",见人就问,有人说幸福有人说不,后来问到一个农民.....

记者:\"你幸福吗?\"

农民看了记者几眼,无辜的说道

\"俺姓王\"

15.我在学校表演戏剧。在我的独角戏闪亮登场之前，我注意到了有几个女孩在后台换衣服——于是我**high了。那场戏是《耶稣基督超级巨星》，我就是演耶稣的。我身上只穿几块布。于是乎，所有观众都看到了：耶稣在被钉上十字架的时候可耻地硬了。

16.上公交车打卡一般都是“嘀”的一声吧，

还有一种学生卡，声音是“嘀，学生卡”..

我们一个同学，女的，赶着坐车，但是没有带钱，车来了，急了..

自己搞得很正常一样跟着别人排队上车，到她打卡的时候..把学校的学生证拿到机器上

晃动了一下..嘴里用普通话来了一句“嘀，学生卡”.华丽的走掉.，公交车司机当场就蒙了啊，几秒过后....车慢慢的启动了....没有人再愿意多说了.....

17.初中班主任老师喜欢挖鼻孔.一次上自习,老师进来看我们有没有好好做作业,巡视了一圈后对我邻座做的作业产生了兴趣,一边伸着头看他做题,一边好不忘用手掏鼻孔.只听\"啪\"的一声,老师的一陀黑区区的鼻屎竟然掉到邻座的作业本上了!老师那时应该也很尴尬站在那不知该说什么好,这时巨雷的事情发生了:只见我那邻座缓缓抬起头来,看着老师说了一句:谢主龙恩!

18.上机考试，先在备考区等，再经过一扇大玻璃门进考区。我考完后，在门口摸了良久，就是摸不到玻璃，旁边好心老师提醒我：“同学，门是开着的。”„„„

19.某君在宿舍声嘶力竭大唱摇滚：“我要改变，我要大变„„”正在看书的某某君猛然抬头惊

问：“厕所不是空着吗？”

20.学校男女澡堂同走一门，故常有异性同学相遇之事，颇为尴尬。一日，我走至门前，恰遇一学妹呈漉漉之状走出，我躲闪不及打招呼曰：“里边人多不？

21.有一次偶和偶朋友一起在餐厅吃饭。我们坐在那里等服务员给我们上饭。过了以后来一个乞丐端了一个碗走到偶朋友的背后轻轻的碰了碰他想象他要钱。偶朋友正和偶聊天兴起以为是服务员端饭了，就没有回头把乞丐手里的饭碗拿了过来往前面一放。我们当时全都楞到那里那个乞丐更是欲哭无泪（打死他也想不到这个也有人抢饭碗）~~~

22.大学时我一哥们儿在校园里遇一美女，一见钟情，每天就魂不守舍的。一天中午我和他外出吃饭时，那美女正从身边路过，我哥们儿顿时拉着我紧跟在后，见那美女进了一面馆，于是我们也坐了进去。我劝我哥们：“都大四了，抓紧哪~”于是他鼓足勇气，走上前去，憋红了脸问道：“同学你叫什么？”那美女楞楞地看着我哥们儿：“我叫牛肉面。”哥们儿当时就傻了，我旁边笑翻了.

想吃果冻了，舔下皮鞋，想喝老酸奶了，舔下皮鞋，感冒要吃药了，还是舔下皮鞋！ 上得了厅堂，下得了厨房，爬得了高山，涉得了水塘，制得成酸奶，压得成胶囊，2012，皮鞋很忙！

1、以后我要是想吃果冻了，我就拿自己的皮鞋舔一舔；以后我要是想吃老酸奶了，我就拿自己的皮鞋舔一舔；以后我要是感冒了，我就拿自己的皮鞋舔一舔。等我有钱了，就买两双皮鞋，穿一双，吃一双。

2、从前有一双皮鞋，两只鞋子彼此相爱。可是有一天，它们失散了。直到它们再相见，一个变成了酸奶，一个变成了胶囊，它们再也不能在一起了，好感人的爱情故事啊！

3、请那些用皮鞋造酸奶造胶囊的企业，以后尽量用进口皮鞋，这样的话，副作用会低一些。

4、追不到女医生怎么办？找她看病，走时把药落下，“哎，你的胶囊。”转身笑答“是你的胶囊。”

5、今早看见有人在杀鹅，突然想到了二七路论坛网友的一首诗，鹅鹅鹅，曲项用刀割，拔毛加瓢水，点火盖上锅。

6、从前，看故事，说爱因斯坦小时候数学不好，考试只有1分，但是努力学习后成为了最伟大的物理学家，当年觉得可励志了。但是，写故事的人不知道的是，爱因斯坦童鞋是在德国上的小学啊！德国的1分是满分啊！

7、我们这一代人读小学时，大学不要钱；读大学时，小学不要钱；还没工作时，工作是分配的；可以工作时，得自谋职业；没挣钱时，房子是分配的；能挣钱时，发现一辈子的薪水也买不起房子；没有进入股市的时候，傻子都在赚钱；兴冲冲闯进去的时候，发现自己成了傻子。为什么不赶趟的总是我？

8、小学的时候，弟弟对哥哥说：哥我想上清华。哥说：弟，你还年轻。到了中学，弟说：哥，我想上北理工，哥说：弟，你还年轻。高一，弟：哥，我想上北工大。哥：弟，你还年轻，到高三了，弟：哥，我想上大学。哥：弟，你终于成熟了。

9、痛苦的不是写论文，而是你明知道你写的是垃圾；更痛苦的是你连写个垃圾都这么慢，因为你尝试不要让它那么垃圾；更更痛苦的是你写出来还是个垃圾；当然最痛苦的是，你连垃圾都写不出来。

10、真正的学霸是每场狂砍90+的同时再送出60+的助攻！

11、马伊俐她老公表面上是个演员，实际上是个狠角色，每次报纸上的评论员，电视台的播音员都会这样说：“文章强调、文章指出、文章再次强调、文章最后强调”所以说马伊琍真是嫁的好啊。

12、老夫聊发少年狂，治肾亏，不含糖。锦帽貂裘，千骑用康王。为报倾城随太守，三百年，九芝堂。酒酣胸胆尚开张，西瓜霜，喜之郎。持节云中，三金葡萄糖。会挽雕弓如满月，西北望 ，阿迪王。 十年生死两茫茫，恒源祥，羊羊羊。夜来幽梦忽还乡，学外语，新东方。相顾无言，洗洗更健康。

13、上大学时，有天晚上宿舍全员带好所有的身份证明上街。走了7条街终于找到了巡逻警察，面对面离警察大约还有30米时大喊一声“跑”。然后警察看见我们跑于是追来。百米速度跑了15分钟实在跑不动了。警察逮住我们后问为什么跑，我们说宿舍还有20分钟锁门不跑就回不去了。警察无语。

14、打哈欠，就是你的身体发出“电量只剩10%”的信号。

15、“事到如今我真后悔当初没有听我妈的话。”“你妈说什么了？”“我不知道，我不是没听么。”

16、游泳课老师要求：“今天游泳全都要下水。”某学生抱怨：“可我还没学过游泳。”老师撇了他一眼，淡淡的说：“不下水的待会点名全在签到本上划掉！”学生楚楚可怜的回：“下水了我家户口本就把我划掉了。”

17、每个近视眼的悲哀：脱掉眼镜世界就是个平面。。30米开外雌雄同体，50米人畜不分。

18、男朋友是理科生：最大的错误就是跟他去看泰坦尼克，人家在为罗丝和杰克的爱情流泪，他在那分析船体结构。

19、老爸手机被偷，换了一个新号码，用手机给在外地读书的妹妹发短信通知他的新号码，内容：我是你爸，这是我的新号。很快我妹回复短信：我是你大爷，滚！

20、公主吻了青蛙，青蛙变成了王子，王子向公主单膝跪下，说：“谢谢你救了我，美丽善良的公主，我还有一个愿望。” 公主的脸红了：“你说吧，我会满足你的要求的。”于是，王子从口袋里掏出了另一只青蛙。

21、可以触摸的痛苦是什么？就是我觉得肚子都饿扁了，一摸还是有一坨肉。

22、愚公家门口有座大山，愚公嫌它碍事，带着子孙，想把山移走。河曲智叟制止他说：不能移，会有大灾祸。 愚公不听，认为只要坚持不懈，就能把山移走。 有志者事竟成，终于到了山被彻底移走的这天，愚公眼含热泪，突然一声爆响，一条蛇从地底钻出，大笑：哈哈哈，该死的葫芦娃，老娘出来啦！

23、剩女级别：15-27岁是初级剩女，还为寻找伴侣而奋斗，故称“剩斗士”；28-30岁为中级剩女，自己的机会已不多，别号“必剩客”；31-35岁为高级剩女，在职场斗争中生存，尊称“斗战剩佛”；35岁往上是特级剩女，尊之为“齐天大剩”；45岁以后是超级剩女，尊称为“剩着为王”。

24、记得初中快毕业时统一体检，有一项是查色盲。轮到一哥们儿了，他盯着图片发呆，旁边的大夫说：说数就行，赶紧着。哥们儿：知道了，等会儿。五秒之后，大夫急了：你到是说数啊！哥们儿：着什么急，这不刚数完嘛，26个黄的，37个红的，14个绿的。

25、看到一个二七路论坛网友的签名：所谓睡货，可用八个字概括：春困，夏乏，秋盹，冬眠。

26、iPhone4S含着泪光依偎在iPhone5的怀中：“小5，人们都怪我，怪我不够完美，怪我续航不够，Siri有瑕疵，内置iOS5有漏洞，我好难过„„”“傻瓜，别傻了，别太在乎外人的说法。那些人，今年我会让他们失去一个肾的„„”

27、一只企鹅去偷东西，结果被人发现，报警后被警察包围了，企鹅灵机一动拿起个黄色的圆盾牌，光明正大的从警察面前走过，结果一堆警察一拥而上把企鹅抓住打了一顿。企鹅一脸无辜的叫着：为什么你们看得到我？为什么你们看的我？我TMD不是隐身了么？

28、昨天晚上和一哥们走在路上，闲得无聊就在聊天。他问了我一个很纠结的问题：如果一个人在背后捅你一刀，你会怎么做？我当然很正常的回答：自卫啊！这货一脸惊讶得看着我：被别人捅了，你还有心情撸管子？ 我我我，能说什么麽？

29、家人面前小清新，生人面前装逼帝，老师面前学习逼，同学面前重口味，老公面前小萝莉，姐们面前女流氓，你问我走的这是什么路线什么风，最炫的路线民族风。

30、中国的时尚杂志是一群月薪八千的编辑，告诉一群月薪三千的读者，月收入三万的人怎么花钱。中国的广告是一群每天加班的广告人，(楚楚街http://www.daodoc.com特约编辑供稿)告诉买不起房子的人，应该像首富一样享受生活。中国的大学辅导员是一群整天感慨人生失败的教育人，告诉被12年应试教育摧残的呆若木鸡大一新生，怎么做才会成功！

第20篇：幽默

1.某人骑车，听见一个路人在狂吼：go，go，go……心想，妈的我也会唱：奥来奥来哦……话音未落，一头栽进沟里。路人骂道：妈的!告诉你沟沟沟，你还骑？!摔死活该!- 2.在一个很冷很冷的星球里，有一个很冷很冷的岛屿，在那个很冷很冷的岛屿哩，有一个很冷很冷的小镇，在那很冷很冷的小镇哩，有一个很冷很冷的房子，在那很冷很冷的房子哩，有一个男孩，他打开窗户说一句话：

～好冷唷～～

3.一日有两个人想自杀就来找上帝，让上帝赐死他俩这样可以上天堂，上帝给他们俩一瓶毒药说“这是一瓶毒药，只够一个人喝，分开是没有效果的。”最后两个人都死了，为什么呢？？？

因为其中一个人打开毒药后看见瓶盖背面写着“再来一瓶” 4问者：有一种动物总喜欢问为什么，请问这是什么动物？ 答者：不知道（或者其他答案） 问者：是猪 答者：为什么

（哈哈哈哈，上钩了） 5甲:给你讲个故事吧。有一家精神病院有三层楼，院长要在每一层选出一个楼长。第一层，院长指着一台电脑问这是什么，一精神病人说是电脑，院长说你就是一楼楼长了。第二层，院长指着一台收音机问这是什么，一精神病人说是收音机，院长说你就是二楼楼长了。第三层，院长指着…那个…什么来着，那个调换电视频道的东西叫什么来着？ 乙；遥控器

6.一群大雁往南飞,一会排成S,一会排成B.想咬你一口，可惜我是回民。

思想有多远，你就滚多远；光速有多快，你就滚多快。 你一出门，千山鸟飞绝，万径人踪灭 你小时候被猪亲过吧?

长的丑不是你的错，可是出来吓人就是你的错 7.谁敢用普通话把这首诗读出来，笑到肚子痛! 一位语文老师,为学生朗读了一首题为《卧春》的陆游的古诗,要求学生听写出来。

／语文老师朗读如下

／有位学生听写如下

／《卧春》／《我蠢》

／暗梅幽闻花,／俺没有文化

／卧枝伤恨底,／我智商很低,

／遥闻卧似水,／要问我是谁,

／易透达春绿。／一头大蠢驴。

／岸似绿,／俺是驴,

／岸似透绿,／俺是头驴,

／岸似透黛绿。／俺是头呆驴／

暗石绿，暗石竹，暗石透春绿，暗石透春竹

8..秀发去无踪，头屑更出众！

9.龟兔赛跑，猪做裁判，你说是乌龟赢还是兔子呢？………………不能说，说了就是猪！

10.从前有一只猪，只会说“没有~”。有人问：“你吃饭了吗？？”

“没有~”

“你洗澡了吗？？” “没有~”

“你刷牙了吗？？”“没有~” 然后问对方：你听过这个故事吗？

他说：“没有~”

。。。。。那他就是猪~！

11.请问“米”的妈妈是谁？回答：“花”因为“花生米”.\"米\"的爸爸是谁? 回答：“蝶”因为“蝶恋花”.

\"米\"的姥姥是谁？回答：“妙笔”因为“妙笔生花”，\"花生米\".12.阁下莫非就是当年华山论剑武工独步天下罕有其匹号称一朵梨花压海棠的少林寺智障大师收养的小沙弥低能的爱犬旺财踩扁的蟑螂小强曾滚过的一个粪球？

13.上联：风在刮，雨在下，我在等你回电话。下联：为你生，为你死，为你守候一辈子。横批：发错人了。

江湖上知道你武功高强，但你不能骄傲，做到人中有剑，剑中有人，人剑合一，做到了这一点，你就不再是人，是剑人！剑人！剑人！

14.给朋友讲故事，从前有个渔夫，每天以打鱼为生，有一天，狂风暴雨来袭，把船浆给劈头打成两节了，这下完了，没办法回家了，因为...浆(讲)完了。15.给你讲个故事，这个故事开头很恐怖，中间很无聊，结尾很搞笑 有一只鬼，他放了一个屁，然后死了

《幽默的英文.doc》

将本文的Word文档下载到电脑，方便收藏和打印

推荐度：

点击下载文档